Harmon K. and Big Al have decided to vote for the candidate with the largest penis.As you rock ‘n’ roll hippies might have noticed, Al Gore is featured on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine. And many of you also must have noticed the large protrusion in the front of his pants.It’s true. It’s true.Wander down to the local newspaper stand and see for yourself; the vice president appears to have an enormous schlong. Why did you think Tipper always seems so happy?There is bound to be plenty of political fallout from this revelation.Maybe this is the thing that decides the election. Seriously. We are already seeing the positive effects. Ever since the magazine was released, Gore has climbed steadily in the polls. Even as this column is printed, Gore leads his opponent in the polls. Clearly, the momentum has shifted.Gore does the best when he shows that he really is a human being. People like to feel that they can relate to their president on a personal level.That’s why Clinton was so popular during the Monica Lewinsky scandal. Everybody could relate to having an affair and cheating on a spouse or loved one.When Al Gore planted his famous kiss on Tipper at the convention, it showed that he had real affection and passion for his spouse. That kiss was not some sort of mechanical, robotic motion, but contained real and inalienably human emotion. And for quite some time thereafter, Gore led convincingly in the polls.Now comes the revelation that Gore has large genitalia. And the same phenomenon is occurring. Having a large penis is one of those things people can relate to. Everyone can understand it; it’s not one of those intellectual abstractions that Gore is given to from time to time.So, in a sense, Gore’s penis makes him human. In any case, Gore seems in a much better position with the electorate today than he did a week ago.The revelation of Gore’s girth comes like a below-the-belt punch to “Dubya.” So far, the Texas governor hasn’t been able to respond. Unlike Gore, Bush hasn’t been spotted in a swimsuit, hasn’t been seen wearing shorts and, in fact, the Brothers Vred can’t remember ever actually seeing him wearing anything but form-concealing dark suits.All of that raises serious questions.Is there perhaps some embarrassing secret lurking Bush’s dark hinter-region? And how come Bush’s wife seems rather less affectionate than Tipper? How come Bush has only two children, not four? Why hasn’t Bush come out with his own version of “the kiss?”The Brothers Vred think that this “crotch gap” is fast becoming a serious campaign issue for several reasons.First, Bush can’t beat Gore with the issues, and second, he can’t seem to hide the fact that he’s a bumbling idiot anymore; his spoonerisms and malapropisms are now becoming frighteningly obvious.Third, Bush’s environmental record is close to being a federal offense (That’s true, Bush’s state routinely violates federal air quality laws).Fourth, “Dubya’s” daddy and running mate are both convicted war criminals (Also true. Look it up on the United Nations war crimes tribunal Web site).That’s already four big strikes against him.The Brothers Vred think that the size issue will be the final blow to the Bush/Cheney campaign. Plus, Gore is ripping up Bush’s record in Texas. And there’s just no way that Bush can match Gore’s flawless record in the Lincoln bedroom.We feel that it is absolutely necessary to have a virile president. For proof just look to our past.Thomas Jefferson was a great president. He doubled the size of the country and established a far-reaching legacy. He also impregnated several of his slaves.William Howard Taft and Franklin D. Roosevelt were rumored to have had several illegitimate children each.John F. Kennedy was a noted womanizer who scored with all the hot babes of his day.And Bill Clinton? Does anybody need a reminder?Each one of these presidents profoundly effected American culture and politics.So if the cover of Rolling Stone is any indication, Al Gore stands a good chance to be among America’s greatest presidents.So now you understand why Gore sometimes seems a little condescending; his penis is larger than most everybody’s, and he knows it. That enormous big bird flapping around in his drawers also explains much of the gender gap.Women favor Gore by around 15 percent over “Dubya.” But a large number of men are flocking to Bush for the converse reason: Gore’s endowment is perceived as a threat.Big Al and Harmon K. don’t seem to be deterred for some reason. Bring on the “big government!”
Big Al is a junior in anatomy. Harmon K. is a dental student. Visit www.whipworm.com to view the Rolling Stone photo.