Globalization has become a trademark of the 21st Century. Time and space have become virtually meaningless as news travels around the world instantly. Every nation is connected via the global Web. Many people the world over are used to instant reception of terabytes of information, making most current forms of communication obsolete.

This has wreaked havoc upon international politics, especially for the European Union. With 27 current members, and more waiting in the wings to join, there are 23 official languages to date. A top EU official has disclosed that the language disparity that exists impedes the speed of communications, thus causing confusion for politicians. It has become enough of a problem that the EU representatives now require a translator simply to order lunch in the Brussels’ based headquarters.
Two years ago a commission was established to find a solution to the language dilemma. Esperanto, the so-called “International Language” was quickly ruled out due to the fact that no one was interested in learning a whole new language.

The commission instead looked at the most spoken languages in the EU and has come up with its breakthrough solution to the language dilemma: Frapanishman.

This is a revolutionary combination of romance-language grammar based on French and Spanish, with Germanic word combination, and English words. English was chosen as the central language because of both its status as the leading language of business as well as its ease of learning.

The commission’s head, Minister Andre LeGrossen of the Netherlands, said of the language: “It must be fancy, like French, practical, like English, and carry more information than one could ever want to learn, like German. If people wanted quantity of information, for example, we would say in Frapanishman, ‘grabanotebook-orvoicerecorder and takerealgoodnotes becauseinformationoverlead willreacha wholenewmeaning.'”

One of the immediate changes brought by Frapanishman was the updating of the European Union’s name to “Nationsöfeuropebroughttogetherbyêconomícandsocialpréssures.” Though the organization insists that the name not be shortened, due to loss of critical information, some people have abbreviated the title to the much easier to remember “NEBTENSP.”

Some prominent European authors have posited that this complicated name and acronym will never catch and EU will always be the true name. However, the uropeancommiteeforwritingshortnovels, expecting the new word combinations to reduce printing costs by shortening texts by 70 to 80 pages, have announced their joy at the establishment of Frapanishman. Peopleförthepréservationöfcutecuddlyorhuggablebeings media relations counsel Eloise D’elmont commented that, “¡Combiningwords ánd grammarrélatedthings willsave hunderedsöftreesayear becauseprintingwill takemuchlesspaper!”

Although many people seem thrilled about the new language, this has not prevented a few organizations from voicing their concerns. Among them is the Europeancómmissiónför-makingpeoplénotsick — formerly the EU Health Commission. They have sent out a disclaimer that warns that the speaking of Frapanishman in an agitated state or for long periods of time can lead to a collapsed lung. However, as this language is to be used mostly by politicians, this was deemed an acceptable condition.

NEBTENSP meets again this Friday to discuss a new policy on accessible oxygen tanks in its headquarters.