Robert Gary was out of town coaching the Ohio State track and field team when his 13-month-old son Percy walked for the first time.

Missing that early monument in his son’s life was “pretty tough,” Gary said. “You always wish you could be there for that.”

Gary’s conflict between his job and his family life is the rule rather than the exception in college sports. With practice schedules that run most of the year, not to mention recruiting duties and individual training during the offseason, college coaches can lose at home even if they’re winning with their teams.

“There are steps in the development of my two sons that I haven’t been there for,” said assistant men’s basketball coach Brandon Miller, who has 3-year-old and 2-year-old sons. “I got to see Mason’s first steps. I did not get to see Michael’s.”

With seven-day work weeks and frequent road trips, such losses are inevitable for many coaches.

“I think last year, all told, I was home eight weekends out of the entire year,” Gary said. “One of the good and bad things about college coaching is there is always something you can be doing.”

Coaches with young children, such as Gary and assistant men’s hockey coach Steve Brent, said the early years can be the most difficult. After missing his son’s first steps, Gary doesn’t know what he’ll miss next.

“The countdown right now is, when will he say his first words?” he said.

But others say it doesn’t get any easier as children get older.

Men’s tennis coach Ty Tucker has been training college athletes throughout his 14-year-old daughter’s life.

“Do you feel guilty? Of course, because you’ll be gone on the weekends and miss a lot of things,” Tucker said. “As she gets older, it gets tougher.”

Making a choice

Most coaches said they had never missed a major competition with their teams to be at home. But sometimes, the unexpected tests their allegiance to their sports.

Brent made that discovery as his hockey team was going into the third period on the road.

“On the headset I got a call from our video person that said, ‘Hey, your wife is in labor,'” he said. “I rushed back to Columbus to be by my wife’s side.”

Gary faced a similar dilemma on a weekend when he was supposed to travel to a competition with his athletes. A minor surgical procedure on his son took longer than expected. That day, his son won the tug-of-war between team and family.

But the difficult choices don’t come without perks, coaches say.

While Tucker has been coaching at OSU, his daughter “has had the opportunity to run around at the gymnastics center at Ohio State, to be able to take advantage of everything Ohio State has athletically and be able to see some things she would have never gotten to see,” he said.

Miller said his sons “love going to the gym, even as young as 3 and 2.

“While I’m spending time and working out one of the guys, they’re playing in the gym, so when I’m done I can see them.”

Though Gary’s wife, Rita, said the conflict is “frustrating on occasion,” she said there are advantages beyond state-of-the-art workout facilities that double as playgrounds.

“What a cool way to grow up,” said Rita, a former track and field coach at Miami University. “They are around these over-achieving, intelligent, goal-oriented young people and that is their reference point.”

Coping

In the end, many coaches said finding balance is a mental game.

“When you’re spending time away from your family, what drives you to go to work and to do well at your job is that you’re working for your family,” Miller said. “I take that mindset … and that keeps me going.”

Brent has a similar strategy.

“The times that you’re away from each other, there’s not much you can do but communicate, let them know you’re thinking about them,” Brent said. “But the times you’re together, you’ve got to make the most of it.”

Sometimes, though, all a coach can do is hope for the best.

Percy “doesn’t have any teeth yet,” Gary said, “so I haven’t missed that.”