krissa Lam / Designer editor
There is no denying Ohio State is a top-notch school in several ways. With one of the largest student populations in the country, nationally competitive athletics and academic programs that rank worldwide, there is nothing we Buckeyes can’t do well.
This is why it took me by surprise when Playboy released its 2011 list of the top 10 party schools with one glaring oversight. OSU failed to place on the list, losing out to schools such as No. 2 Penn State University and No. 6 University of Wisconsin. Surely the sheer madness of Michigan week and the Mirror Lake Jump alone are enough to beat out No. 4 University of Western Ontario as the only things Canada has are Mounties and maple syrup.
At first, I thought the squares at Playboy could not possibly know anything about what an awesome party looks like if they shafted OSU. Perhaps they should stick to writing a magazine everyone buys to read the articles (with a stray picture of a naked woman or two that their subscribers probably don’t even notice). Of course, reality dashed this line of thought immediately after I realized that anyone even vaguely connected to Playboy founder Hugh Hefner would know what an awesome party looks like.
Playboy editors used a thorough formula that included input from their social media pages, interviews with campus representatives and statistics on male-to-female ratio and sports teams’ victories to determine their top 10. Bonus points were awarded for proximity to beaches, ski slopes and a vibrant music scene, according to the article.
Although it might seem that many of these factors are out of our control, don’t lose hope yet.
This is the call to arms we need. As individuals, we might not be notable, but when working together, we can party hard enough to make up for any deficiencies.
Although it might be difficult to best No. 1 University of Colorado at Boulder, where students celebrate April 20 with mass public marijuana use, according to the list, 65,000-plus Buckeyes joining together in the pursuit of excellence could make the University of Colorado at Boulder look like a nursing home on bingo night.
Penn State or Wisconsin? Please, we could take both of them on any “Thirsty Thursday” with lampshades covering our eyes and still have the weekend to mop the floor with the rest of the list.
Banded together, we Buckeyes can show the editors at Playboy that OSU works hard and plays harder. If our collective mojo doesn’t push us to the top of Playboy’s list by this time next year, Hefner might as well throw in the towel and get a job greeting customers at his nearest grocery store because he has obviously lost his touch.
Bottoms up, Buckeyes.
Disclaimer: Always behave responsibly. While making the top 10 next year would be awesome, please consider your bodily health before making the decision to drink. I will not post your bail or give you part of my liver for a transplant, even if these issues come as a result of reading this column.