Sloopy’s Diner at the Ohio Union is currently taking applications for its Second Annual Sandwich Club Awards, in which winners will have sandwiches at the dining hall named after them. Applicants have until June 3 to apply, and winners — six individuals and three groups — will be announced on Sept. 9.
What if prominent Ohio State figures applied to have a sandwich named after them? Let’s take a look at what their sandwiches would look like.
Jim Tressel: Bologna Sandwich
What’s the most boring sandwich in the world? It’s a bologna sandwich. A sandwich like this is apt for Tressel because it matches his boring personality. I almost reconsidered this for the sole reason that eating a bologna sandwich is more enjoyable than watching running up the middle and punting for three hours, but there’s really no better choice here. Plus, Tressel is full of proverbial bologna in regards to Tattoo-gate, so it’s a natural fit.
Terrelle Pryor: Ramen Noodle Sandwich
Because we need to give Pryor a sandwich made of the cheapest food possible so he won’t try to resell it.
Gordon Gee: Something with a side of coleslaw
I struggled to come up with a sandwich for Gee, but since he’s 67, which is old, I decided that you can get any sandwich you want as long as it comes with coleslaw. Why coleslaw? Because the only people in the world that eat coleslaw are currently on Medicare, that’s why. Think about it: When you go to Raisin’ Canes, do you get coleslaw or do you get the extra Texas Toast that replaces it? You get the toast because you’re not 90.
Patrons at Woodfest: Pizza Sub with extra onions
It might sound like a strange combination, but if you were at Woodfest — and if you were, you probably can’t read this as you’re still recovering from partial blindness — you know that after midnight, instead of pounding Natty Lights, your eyes were pounded with eight gallons of Mace, which the onions are replicating. I chose a pizza sub because chances are your vomit from the Mace you ingested probably looked like upchucked pizza.
OSU athletic department: Adaptation of Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Sandwich
In order for this to work, the dining hall will need to add a tad more spice so that customers are completely incapacitated. Perfect match for Tressel and the athletic department, whose senses must have been so agitated by the spices that they were also unable to satisfactorily disclose information right under their noses. Zing.
The Ohio Union: Bowser’s Castle Sandwich
People have complained about the architecture of the Union being boring, so this sandwich would be made of the bricks and mortar that comprise a much more impressive piece of architecture: Bowser’s Castle.
When the winners are announced on Sept. 9, don’t be at all surprised to see these individuals and groups named. If I haven’t been tarred and feathered for writing this, I’ll hopefully be around to gloat. But if you feel like you’re more qualified to top these brilliant sandwiches, visit the Ohio Union’s website to apply.