Somewhere around the time that Britney Spears shaved her head and Lindsay Lohan relapsed, America decided it needed a new sweetheart. And thanks to the television producing talents of Ryan Seacrest, and perhaps more importantly, a well-timed sex tape with R&B singer Ray J, we found America’s new sweetheart in the junk-in-the-trunk-carrying Kim Kardashian.
Ever since Kardashian and her family took center stage in both our hearts and our Sunday evening TV line-up in 2007 with E!’s popular “Keeping Up With The Kardashians,” America has been given a front row seat to her quest for eternal love.
We’ve hung on through the ups and the downs as we’ve witnessed Kardashian try to make a long distance relationship work with NFL running back Reggie Bush, break up with NFL wide receiver Miles Austin for not being able to handle the tabloids, and mix business with pleasure as she put the moves on her Australian bodyguard, the impeccable Shengo.
But in the summer of 2011, after nine months of intense courtship, Kardashian finally found “the one” in NBA player Kris Humphries.
Or so she thought.
TMZ reported on Monday that after 72 days of wedded “bliss” and nasty tabloid rumors, Kardashian has decided to file for divorce from the currently locked out basketball player. And America couldn’t be better off for it.
When Kardashian accepted Humphries’ proposal on the season finale of “Keeping up with the Kardashians” in August, she committed two cardinal sins that an American sweetheart should always avoid: she vacated her throne without a worthy successor in place, and she did so for an unworthy suitor.
First, let’s discuss the merits of Humphries, who last played for the New Jersey Nets and has averaged 5.6 points and 4.7 rebounds per game over the course of his seven-year career. By comparison, Kardashian’s brother-in-law, Lamar Odom, has averaged 14.6 points, 8.9 rebounds and 4 assists per game, in addition to having won two world championships with the most famous basketball team in the world, the Los Angeles Lakers.
Do we really want to live in a country where Khloé Kardashian’s husband’s career accolades significantly blow away Kim Kardashian’s husband’s accomplishments? I didn’t think so.
And then there’s the issue of America’s next sweetheart, where there simply isn’t anybody ready to take over for Kim Kardashian, as Selena Gomez is off buying puppies with Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus hasn’t been heard from since TMZ caught her ripping what she claims was not marijuana from a bong.
During those 72 long days in which America was without a sweetheart, we tried to fill the void that Kim Kardashian left with the likes of Snooki and the cast of VH1’s “Basketball Wives,” but quite frankly, it wasn’t the same.
Thankfully, Kim Kardashian’s mother and manager (“momager,” if you will), Kris Jenner, noticed this void and took it upon herself to plan ahead, as earlier this week it was revealed that Kim Kardashian’s half-sister, Kendall Jenner, will be the subject of her very own E! television special, which will chronicle her Sweet 16 birthday party. Kendall Jenner is still two years away from legally being allowed to be considered anybody’s sweetheart, let alone an entire country’s, but with big sister Kim Kardashian back on the market, that may be all the time that she needs.
So welcome back, Kim Kardashian — you’re officially America’s sweetheart again. We trust that you’ll take your responsibilities a little more seriously this time, and in return, we’ll hope that when it comes to marriage, the third time will be the charm that you’ve been looking for.
