With the regular season complete, Ohio State is not-so-secretly looking for someone (Urban Meyer) to replace Luke Fickell as the football coach. While it seems Meyer’s deal is still being negotiated, we’ve taken the time to come up with a staff for him so that the process can be expedited.
Oprah Winfrey — Motivational speaker
Imagine what Oprah would do, not only for the players, but for attendance at those boring non-conference games. People will actually be excited to pay $30 to see OSU beat Mid-Central Tulsa State Community College by 77 points if they had the chance to look under their seats and find a voucher for a brand new Honda Civic. And let’s be grateful Terrelle Pryor is no longer around as he’d likely be totally ungrateful for such a gift. That guy rolled up to practice in a new Mazda seemingly every day.
Jesus Christ — Adversity handler
If anyone can coach a team on how to handle adversity, it’s freaking Jesus. Losing to Michigan and going to Crazy Larry’s Half-Priced Oil Cans Bowl is nothing. This guy hung on a cross for hours and died, but has continued to live for thousands of years afterward. Brett Favre has nothing on that. Jesus is a real man.
Fred Phelps — Offensive coordinator
When it comes to being offensive, nobody does it better than Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church. Most coaches hold up signs from the sideline to the players with the play call. Phelps would hold up a sign saying, “God hates field goals in the red zone.” That’s the kind of spark current offensive coordinator Jim “that guy looks strangely like a walrus” Bollman lacks.
Mister Rogers — Ethics
Following the struggle of OSU’s compliance office in dealing with the “Tattoo-gate” fiasco, it might be time to get some new blood in there to take the reigns. I propose we appoint a resurrected Mister Rogers. He’s an old man who wears nice cardigans and has a random stoplight in his house. That’s pretty much the definition of an ethics expert. Plus, if there’s ever a situation on the field where a player’s shoe comes untied, he’d be perfect to send in to the rescue.
R. Lee Ermey — Discipline
If Mister Rogers can’t intervene, we should send Lee Ermey to whip the players into shape. For those of you who don’t recognize the name, Ermey played Gunnery Sergeant Hartman in that ridiculously awesome first half-hour of Stanley Kubrick’s 1987 Vietnam War film, “Full Metal Jacket.” Do you see Pryor trading tattoos for memorabilia if he had Ermey in his face shouting that he would unscrew his head and defecate down his neck if he did? Unlikely.