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Commentary: 4-20 not high on Columbus’ priorities

Courtesy of MCT

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Uh-oh. Former Ohio State football player Mike Adams tested positive for Cannabis sativa. Dope. Herb. Chronic. Trees.

And this is news?

If you want to see some real smoke news, just hang out with some of the kids on campus. Why do you think there are students creating stories about death and talking marmosets or painting girls with eyeballs instead of breasts?

All right, some of that might be due to LSD.

I want to be up front here and admit I do not personally indulge in the marijuana, and I’m not just saying that. If you don’t believe me because of my long hair and barely lucid conversations, you can ask my editors who will tell you I’m not one to hold back information like that about myself given the opportunity.

It’s 4-20! Hitler’s Birthday, senior skip-day in high schools and the day that gives stoners the not-so-subtle giggles in the back of the classroom.

Today is filled with spectacular events on campuses across the nation. The University of Colorado at Boulder is making its famous, annual smoke cloud that hovers over the campus while cops stand watching, getting contact buzzes and really enjoying those doughnuts.

What does OSU have? Headlines about a football player who graduated from our school getting busted for being on the demon weed.

The entire state of California is basically a giant Cheeto being gnawed on by Oregon and Arizona. What does Ohio have?

The Short North is probably having a lethargic blast, but the rest of us are just paranoid everyone has a badge and every car behind us has those fun disco lights.

We’ve got the fear. But why?

Because a plant you set on fire and breathe in makes you hungry and tolerant of the garbage on television is a criminal offense. But drugs such as Xanax are not only legal, but given out willy-nilly by health specialists to housewives and white-collar business folk to take the edge off with chemicals made in nightmarish, Kafka-esque laboratories.

Why? Corporations, man. The man, man.

Pharmaceutical companies and the alcohol and tobacco businesses have lobbyists in Washington, D.C., fighting against your “right” to toke up and wind down after a hard day’s work washing dishes or writing theses or sleeping.

I’m not sure if it’s actually our right to smoke weed, but if I find some grass growing in my yard, I’m allowed to burn it and poison myself with whatever fumes come out, right?

Right.

How have we devolved as a society to such a point that we have overlords who tell us what and how we ingest substances?

But, on a positive note, if western America is any indication, I think we’re entering into a new drug-era – one in which anyone (with glaucoma) can get high-fived by high-minded friends while driving on the highway.

Do yourself a favor, OSU. Go out and get high … grades.

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