Home » A+E » Satire: Bud Light Platinum announced as the official broken bottle of the Ohio State off-campus area

Satire: Bud Light Platinum announced as the official broken bottle of the Ohio State off-campus area

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A shattered Bud Light Platinum, found on 14th and Indianola avenues, moments before popping a professor’s tire. Credit: Cory Frame / Lantern reporter

A shattered Bud Light Platinum, found on 14th and Indianola avenues, moments before popping a professor’s tire. Credit: Cory Frame / Lantern reporter

Anheuser-Busch, maker of Budweiser and Bud Light, recently announced that their fledgling brand extension, Bud Light Platinum, is now the official broken bottle of the off-campus area at Ohio State.

“We could not be more excited to have Bud Light Platinum team up with the residents who live off-campus, throw huge parties and continuously litter the sidewalks by breaking our glass bottles everywhere,” said Rick McCab, the marketing director at Anheuser-Busch.

He added that the 6 percent alcohol by volume increase from the standard 4.2 percent of Bud Light may contribute to why people are so eager to throw them into the streets, making it dangerous for literally everybody around.

“We believe this will be a great partnership since the kind of people who enjoy recklessly throwing sharp glass bottles at both cars and people are most likely already drunk off of our Bud Plats, anyway,”McCab said.

Many people on campus were also excited to hear about the new partnership, as shown through the comments of an intoxicated student at 3 p.m. Tuesday.

“The only reason I even buy the ‘BLPs’ is because I love getting hammered and smashing their cool new blue bottle design all over the place,” said Donnie Durmite, a fifth-year in exploration. “One time, I even broke one over my roommate’s head. It was crazy, man. We haven’t talked since, but dude, it was totally worth it.”

Taylor Stepp, Undergraduate Student Government president, also weighed in on the new deal.

“This is not only a great opportunity for off-campus housing, but also Anheuser-Busch. Ohio State is a coveted university to endorse, so they should consider themselves lucky we chose their product to mercilessly chuck into high-traffic intersections. We almost went with King Cobra 40 oz.,” Stepp said.

Many students, who were initially apprehensive to the idea of their school teaming up with something that can be used as a weapon, are finally starting to come around.

“At first, I would get super angry at all the drunken buffoons who just toss beers off their second and third story balconies,” said Tara Gilbert, a third-year in psychology who has personally stepped on broken glass twice while walking to class, forcing her to get stitches. “But I mean, if it’s going to be the ‘official’ broken bottle off campus that severely cuts my ankle, I guess I’m cool with it.”

Although many students are excited about the new collaboration, there are others who don’t seem to agree, despite whether or not they are legally old enough to even consume alcohol.

“Beer? Eww gross,” commented Mimi Davis, a first-year in fashion retail studies, who continued to say that she only drinks Smirnoff Ice Cranberry, despite how annoying her boyfriend thinks that is. “Beer makes you fat.”

The Office of Student Life has not responded to a request for comment, although, when asked her personal opinion of Bud Light Platinum, Javaune Adams-Gaston, vice president for Student Life, responded “Mmmm, I’ve had those before. They go hard.”

McCab concluded his announcement by saying you can expect the first “official” off-campus Bud Light Platinum to break “as early as Friday or Saturday night, hey, maybe even tonight.” He is unsure, however, when the first “official” trip to the emergency room by an innocent student hit by a carelessly thrown Bud Light Platinum will be.

This is part of a series called “The Dim Bulb.” It is a weekly dose of satire, intended to poke fun at the university and affiliates. The contents of these articles are not factual and are not meant to be taken seriously.

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