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Satire: High Street sidewalk reportedly ‘sick and tired’ of being puked on

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The High Street sidewalk asks “if you’re going to puke, please use a trash can, or at least a newspaper dispenser. Sheesh.”  Credit: Cory Frame / Lantern reporter

The High Street sidewalk asks, “If you’re going to puke, please use a trash can, or at least a newspaper dispenser. Sheesh.”
Credit: Cory Frame / Lantern reporter

In an exclusive interview with The Dim Bulb, the High Street sidewalk has come out and confessed it is sick and tired of being puked on by Ohio State students and Buckeye fans alike.

The sidewalk, notorious for never talking to the press, has finally expressed its displeasure with being “everybody’s drunken toilet.”

“Now, I don’t like to complain much, especially to reporters,” the sidewalk said. “But I’ve had it up to my curbs with this. It’s just not cool.”

Upon hearing High Street sidewalk’s complaints, Pearl Avenue decided to announce its irritation with kids on campus as well.

“How do you think I feel?” asked Pearl Avenue. “Puke is one thing, but at least nobody pees all over the High Street sidewalk. I feel like a urinal whose cake has dissolved years ago,” adding that it has also been debating charging the homeless community rent for the past year now.

Ryan Dilford, a fourth-year in business, weighed in on the controversy.

“Oh man, I had no idea it even cared. I’ve been puking up liquid dope on High Street pretty much every Wednesday since I had a fake ID to get into the bars,” Dilford said. “I feel like a total jerk now. My b.”

Chris McDowell, senior contractor for the Columbus Department of Public Service, also commented on the announcement of the walkway’s discomfort.

“Unfortunately, the city of Columbus is not available to relocate the High Street sidewalk at this time. We have already placed as many trash receptacles as we can afford to deter people from vomiting pizza and beer all over it,” McDowell said. “Also… that sidewalk, can like, talk?”

Amy Canzoni, a clumsy second-year studying strategic communication, did not seem to have much sympathy for the sidewalk.

“That jerk broke my iPhone 5 like, three times,” Canzoni said. “One time, I dropped it while running down the street to see some guy walking his cute little doggy and it like, didn’t even try to catch it. Just shattered the screen to pieces.”

The Dim Bulb also reached out to the pack of one-eyed stray cats behind Mama’s Pasta & Brew, who declined to comment.

“Listen, I’m not trying to be a diva about this. I understand everyone’s face get chunks blown on it every once in a while,” High Street’s sidewalk said. “I just expect a little respect, too. I’m tired of people just walking all over me.”

The sidewalk then concluded its announcement, admitting it “wishes it was the Oval” or “that cool red walkway thing at the RPAC. Now that guy knows what he’s doing.”

This is part of a series called “The Dim Bulb.” It is a weekly dose of satire, intended to poke fun at the university and affiliates. The contents of these articles are not factual and are not meant to be taken seriously.

8 comments

  1. You aren’t funny and need to stop. Leave actual satire to your half brother of a publication. Making a shitty newspaper shittier.

  2. I hope there is no form of compensation for the person writing, editing, or publishing this. Truly awful.

  3. I think these a great! People who don’t like them don’t have to read them. Free press!

  4. literaly stepped in puke last night walking home from the o

  5. Cory, there are plenty of freelance satire publications that would love to have you. If this is how you are spending your practicum, your instructor should be ashamed.

  6. These are terrible. Stop.

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