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Satire: Ohio State students discover water heater secretly living in basement

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The water heater in question has provided little information as to how long it's been secretly living in the basement. As of yet, no charges have been filed. Credit: Cory Frame / Lantern reporter

The water heater in question has provided little information as to how long it’s been secretly living in the basement. As of yet, no charges have been filed.
Credit: Cory Frame / Lantern reporter

Do you know your roommates? One house of Ohio State students didn’t. Well, two, if you include that other house on 13th Avenue where they found some guy in their basement like two weeks ago.

In what seems to be a reoccurring trend on campus, another house of OSU students has reportedly discovered an additional roommate living with them — one they had no idea was there (even though they probably should have).

The roommates thought a locked door in the basement led to a utility closet. When maintenance workers knocked the door down, that is exactly what they found, said Ricky Fleming, a fourth-year in welding engineering.

“We just couldn’t believe it,” Fleming said, “We thought we heard weird noises coming from behind the door, we just didn’t think it was anything to worry about.”

Unfortunately for them, they were wrong. A water heater was found to be secretly living down there, presumably since the house had been built.

“We instantly changed all the locks and disconnected it from our water pump,” said resident Chris Custer, a fourth-year in materials science engineering. “It was a nice enough appliance. It just wasn’t on the lease. I mean, it was getting free rent? Of course we had to kick it out.”

However scary the discovery might have been, it is not the first time the residents had a run-in with a suspicious appliance.

During a party recently held by the residents, Custer entered the basement and encountered a washing machine spinning on its final rinse cycle. When Custer asked the machine if it was invited, the machine skirted the question and just switched to its last spin cycle.

WorstSteppe Realty is the leasing company of the home, which is also located on 13th Avenue. The company really did not want to change the locks and has done little else, said resident Branch Fernberg, a fourth-year in meat sciences.

“They sent us a letter saying they were going to charge us for the water heater we removed from the basement,” Fernberg said, “And said to stop screwing with their amenities. Unbelievable.”

Fernberg shared his roommate’s discontent with the appliances that have been provided free of charge by the realty company.

“What’s next, huh? They just gonna start dropping off free grills tomorrow? Why don’t you just pay our gas bill while you’re at it? Jerks,” Fernberg said.

Apparently the previous tenants were having problems receiving hot water during the winter, which is why the brand new water heater was installed last December. Since then, it was supposedly been working perfectly, causing few problems and making little noise.

“I don’t care, I think we did the right thing,” Custer said. “It wasn’t paying rent and it knew it. Why else would it be hiding from us?”

In light of the incident, some of the residents are beginning to feel unsafe.

“I’m a little scared to live here now, honestly,” Fernberg said. “Last night I swear I heard something in the kitchen. I came down with a bat and caught our refrigerator running. Spooky stuff, man.”

The water heater has since been evicted from the residence, and consequently none of the roommates have taken a hot shower in a week.

This is part of a series called “The Dim Bulb.” It is a weekly dose of satire, intended to poke fun at the university and affiliates. The contents of these articles are not factual and are not meant to be taken seriously. 

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