I knew it was finally time for me to step out of the shadows. I can no longer hide my past — I am the original Jimmy Kimmel feud target.
Admittedly, half my waking hours are spent pretending it’s 1977, and the other half are spent avoiding pop culture and celebrity gossip — but even I heard about Kanye West’s Twitter tirade directed at late-night talk show host Kimmel.
Kimmel’s exposure has exploded. This isn’t to say he was some anonymous television host before, but he was definitely the most viral last month. He was riding the coattails of Kanye West’s meltdown straight to the top of the late-night host power rankings (which don’t exist, but probably should). Now here I am, riding Kimmel’s coattails back into the nucleus of fame, fortune and anything else that can be exploited by a 17-year-old feud between a kindergartner and a self-deprecating sports radio host.
Admittedly, my recollection of the rivalry with Kimmel is pretty fuzzy. Thankfully, VCR tapes can be converted into YouTube video, and although our eyes seem terribly uncomfortable looking at anything less than 1080p, I can almost guarantee they will function properly after watching.
The video was shot during Kimmel’s stint at KROQ-FM in Los Angeles. Known as “The Sports Guy,” he opens the video saying the general manager of the Los Angeles Kings needs Kimmel’s help on the team. To train for his hockey debut, Kimmel plays goalie as I try to score.
My only true memory was being absolutely duped by the folks at KROQ, Kimmel’s radio station. To my recollection, I was asked if I wanted to shoot on the goalie of the Los Angeles Kings on their home ice, Great Western Forum. The answer was obvious. However, even at 6 years old, it didn’t take long for me to realize this man with below-average balance and an unimpressive physique was simply masquerading as a professional athlete.
There is only one way I can demonstrate my frustration (and subsequent tantrum). Imagine you are given tickets to see The Rolling Stones, yet when the lights come on, the main act is revealed to be a mullet-clad divorced 40-year-old who serenades you to his very own unique version of “Wild Horses.”
I’ve struggled considerably over the past 17 years to come to terms with all the hurtful things Jimmy Kimmel said to me on that day. Being the most obvious that comes to mind, he said, “Go tell your mommy about that one” when he blocked my goal. More importantly, I’ve received zero recognition for my contribution as an actor.
Did I assist in catapulting Kimmel from sports radio personality to his role as a late-night host on a show that had 2.5 million viewers during the last week of October? There may be no hard evidence that suggests this is true, but then again, Kimmel continues to frequently feature child actors in his most popular skits, such as his most recent, where kids acted out an interview between Kanye and BBC Radio 1.
It’s a recipe for success, or tantrums, if you’re the “biggest rock star of them all,” Kanye West. That being said, my silence has grown too burdensome, and now I am seeking reparations to be paid, or simply some credit where credit is due.