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Satire: Ecologists anticipate Wolverines to go extinct next week

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Then-junior wide receiver Corey ‘Philly’ Brown (10) runs the ball against Michigan Nov, 24, 2012. OSU won 26-21. Credit: Lantern file photo

Then-junior wide receiver Corey ‘Philly’ Brown (10) runs the ball against Michigan Nov, 24, 2012. OSU won 26-21.
Credit: Lantern file photo

Scientists are expecting the Wolverines to go completely extinct by the end of next week, according to the Ohio State Department of Evolution, Ecology and Organismal Biology.

Based on the latest research conducted by head of the EEOB department, Dr. Ann Arborsux, it is believed this mass extinction will be the result of the introduction of a new, poisonous food source into their natural habitat.

“We have reason to believe that the genus Aesculus glabra, better known as a ‘Buckeye nut,’ has migrated north to the state of Michigan and into the habitat of the Wolverines,” Arborsux said. “Once these Buckeyes enter the Wolverines’ food chain, it will be fatal.”

When asked why the Wolverines would even try to overcome these Buckeyes, Arborsux claimed it was because of their inherent naïveté.

“Wolverines are very unintelligent animals. By far one of the most stupid species in the ecosystem. Studies show that the Buckeyes kill the Wolverines every year,” Arborsux said about the nuts, which are indigenous to Ohio.

Arborsux and her team of scientists have even claimed there are few, if any, species known to man that can successfully combat the invincibility of said Buckeyes.

“These nuts are poisonous by nature. Nothing we’ve found can even affect them,” Arborsux said. “In the past 22 experiments over the last two years, the Buckeyes have proven to be the stronger species every time. Nobody can defeat them.”

The EEOB Department has not only experimented with animals but has also conducted trial runs with humans to see how deadly the Buckeyes are.

“You should’ve seen what happened when we fed them to one of our test subjects, some guys who make boilers,” explained Arborsux about an experiment she ran two weeks ago. “The Buckeyes just absolutely destroyed those Boilermakers. It was hard to watch.”

Although Arborsux and her team have predicted the Wolverines have only one week left to live, she said they are luckier than others.

“We have reason to believe these Buckeyes are migrating through Indiana on their way to Michigan. The natives there should be very wary of them,” Arborsux said. “I am expecting any Hoosier that stands in the Buckeyes’ way to not even live past this weekend.”

At press time, the EEOB Department also announced its development of a “Buckeye Consumption Serum,” an antidote for anybody who makes the mistake of trying to eat a Buckeye.

“We are trying to find one, but the Buckeyes are just too deadly. We aren’t sure our Buckeye Consumption Serum, or ‘BCS’ will ever work. Basically, the ‘BCS’ is just a flawed system,” Arborsux said.

This is part of a series called “The Dim Bulb.” It is a weekly dose of satire, intended to poke fun at the university and affiliates. The contents of these articles are not factual and are not meant to be taken seriously.

One comment

  1. Alligators seem to do a pretty good job consuming the buckeyes

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