Christmas has come early: Justin Bieber is retiring.
“I’m just quitting music,” the Biebs told Los Angeles radio station Power 106 Tuesday. “I’m quitting everything. I’m quitting. I’m gonna go golf.”
The 19-year-old pop sensation added at the end that he was kidding, but you can never be so sure with the leopard print car-driving, Brazilian brothel-visiting Mr. Bieber. His behavior has been getting more and more erratic, kind of like a male Miley Cyrus, but less media-savvy (at least Miley’s twerking is selling records).
Bieber would probably benefit from a sabbatical from the music industry. His latest products have fallen flat, sounding like an early Michael Jackson trying — and failing — to impersonate Drake and Robin Thicke at the same time.
Take a listen to his single “All That Matters.” Justin’s high-pitch voice rings out in almost indecipherable falsetto and cries a little (read: a lot) about a lost love, which he confirms was inspired by ex-girlfriend Selena Gomez. He breaks out the guitar, in similar fashion to “As Long As You Love Me,” trying maybe to piggyback off of that success, but the song just falls flat.
Let’s face the facts: Bieber is a teenager. He is an enormously talented teenager, with a vocal range and control unique in today’s artists, but a teenager nonetheless. His angel voice and pretty boy face have gotten him off scot-free for the majority of his life in the limelight, but just as a toddler’s tantrums become less cute and more unbearable as the child ages, so have Justin Bieber’s antics become trashy and annoying.
When we heard about Justin’s reckless driving in residential areas, we wrote it off as immaturity. When he expressed his hope that Anne Frank would have been a Belieber, we called him an idiot and looked the other way. But now that he’s frequenting strip clubs and getting himself banned from indoor Vegas skydiving venues, the world is ready to be rid of Justin Bieber for good.
So Justin: Take a leave of absence. Get your life back together, receive some tough love from some kind of parental figure, be it your actual mother or your handler/manager or even, I don’t know, President Obama himself, and slap yourself in the face for your spoiled brat behavior. Only at that point can you make a comeback like Miley and have the world eating out of your hand again.
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