Pop star Justin Bieber took to Twitter Tuesday night to proclaim his intent to retire, only to take the statement back less than an hour later. The following is a satirical representation of what was going on in Bieber’s mind that night, set to the poem “’Twas The Night Before Christmas.”
‘Twas the night before Christmas, as I lay in my bed,
I sprawled out in my holiday jammies, excited to rest my head.
Santa Claus was making his rounds with gifts aboard,
But in the foreign land of Canada, a little boy was extremely bored.
Perhaps he was upset because his hair needed a trim,
Either way, Justin Bieber wanted more people to pay attention to him.
“It’s been 72 hours since I was in the news,” he said with a sigh,
“So perhaps now is the time to make some headlines.”
But what — oh what?! — could he do? So he sat there and thought,
After all, he’d already spit on people and he’d smoked pot.
What he knew for sure is he needed to to be featured on TMZ,
So this was no time to do something good, like donate to charity.
While scrolling through his Twitter feed, a twinkle emerged in his eye
“I know!” he exclaimed. “I’ll tell a straight-up lie!”
Bieber began writing his “perfect” tweet as Santa flew by,
Knowing that once it was published, tween girls would lose all will to survive.
He sent it to the Twitterverse, sitting back to smile at the product of his conspiring,
“My beloved beliebers,” it said, “I’m officially retiring.”
As Bieber predicted, the tweet sparked a media blitz,
And within minutes, it garnered a multitude of retweets and many favorites.
The public’s reaction was mixed; people’s feelings were split,
While some fans wept at the Christmas Eve news, others felt the singer was full of it.
It can only be assumed Bieber was proud of himself; his plan was going so well,
In fact, his laughter spilled over to Twitter, as he tweeted (and then deleted) a single “Lol.”
“Oh my god,” he thought, “The Internet has exploded at an alarming degree.
“Well, duh. I’m Justin Bieber. People care a lot about me.”
Roughly 40 minutes later, he decided to relieve the people of his emotional heist,
So he released a positive message, like some baby-faced Jesus Christ.
Bieber reassured his followers via tweet that he will remain through whatever,
And he climbed to the top of the highest mount to yell “IM HERE FOREVER.”
Perhaps for a slight minute, his dumb antic made Bieber feel he is a little looney,
But he quickly snapped out of it, figuring the tweets are great press for his new CD and movie.
He decided to call it a night and began to brush his teeth and wash his face,
When all of a sudden — it was a Christmas miracle! — he heard a disturbance in the fireplace.
In his purple onesie pajamas, Bieber ran down the stairs super quick,
Only to find — could it be? — a jolly and plump Saint Nick!
Justin inquired about gifts, but Santa explained while putting a single lump of coal on the shelf,
“Dude. I follow you on Twitter. You need to get over yourself.”