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Satire: Ohio State announces plans to switch back to quarters next semester

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When OSU switched to semesters, some OSU community members felt campus was busier.  Credit: Daniel Chi / For The Lantern

When OSU switched to semesters, some OSU community members felt campus was busier.
Credit: Daniel Chi / For The Lantern

With Autumn Semester coming to an end, Rodney Smith and Stephan Finke, both members of Ohio State’s Semester Conversion Coordinating Committee, announced Monday night their plans to switch back to the academic quarter system.

The surprising announcement, which literally came during the last week of finals, plans to reverse the entire Quarters-to-Semesters initiative that the university has been executing over the past couple of years.

“We thought we would take a shot at the whole ‘two semesters a year’ thing, but it’s just not really working out,” Smith said of the initial transition. “Having semesters really cuts into our summer. We don’t like having to come back to work in August.”

Finke, co-chair of the committee and in charge of the conversion’s timeline, believes reverting back will be even more seamless than the committee’s initial attempt to change the entire structure of one of the world’s largest universities.

“Now, I know we spent a lot of time preparing and sent out a lot of emails informing students of our first switch to semesters,” said Finke. “But this time, I think we’re just gonna wing it. Who even cares, really?”

Although both men seem optimistic about another future change, they do agree that their first conversion may have been poorly handled.

“Part of the reason we’re switching back is because we have no idea what to do with all of these semester classes,” said Smith of the university’s current setup. “None of our conversion equations are making any sense and nothing is working out as planned. It’s crazy.”

Smith continued to say that although it may have seemed like the committee understood what it was doing, none of the semester classes taken by students will be worth any credit whatsoever.

“To be honest, we have no idea what we’re doing. It’s like if you are lost in the woods — what would you do? Retrace your steps. That is exactly what we are doing right now. Retracing our steps and just trying to get back to the old ways.”

According to the announcement, OSU will begin Winter Quarter in January, followed by Spring Quarter, even though the semester system has only been in place for three full terms.

At press time, both men said they are excited to have things “go back to the way they used to be. Semesters suck.”

When asked if this new transition will again affect tuition costs, class schedules, student housing and graduation times, they responded, “Most definitely. If you planned on graduating next semester, forget it losers, because there won’t be a ‘next semester.’”

This is part of a series called “The Dim Bulb.” It is a weekly dose of satire, intended to poke fun at the university and affiliates. The contents of these articles are not factual and are not meant to be taken seriously.


  1. Funny piece. Too bad its not true! I read in the Washington Post that the guy who came up with the Semester idea is the same one who came up with Obamacare. Wow. He runs a company called Solutions for Imaginary Problems.

  2. Dianne Dempster-Mcgrew

    Hahaha, love it!!!! Good job on this!!!!! Laughed my ass off, OU told Culley if they had been ready he could have graduated this fall…looked at him and said " you would have stayed anyway right?" Not to mention he should have graduated last spring not this coming spring even though they told everyone the transition from quarters to seems wouldn't affect them, as a parent…I want a REBATE,,,,

  3. You realize that The Fake Lantern came up with this headline almost word-for-word last year right?

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