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Commentary: 6 people you will undoubtedly encounter when weather drops, snow begins to fall

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Temperatures drop on Jan. 6 forcing all of OSU’s campuses to close. Credit: Shelby Lum / Photo Editor

Temperatures drop on Jan. 6 forcing all of OSU’s campuses to close.
Credit: Shelby Lum / Photo Editor

The weather. It’s been happening since the dawn of time, but somehow, we still find it ridiculously fascinating.

Water’s changing states of matter. It’s been happening since dinosaurs roamed, but somehow, it still amuses the population.

Put those two concepts together with freezing temperatures, and people go bananas for snow. Here’s a few people you will meet the next time cold, white things fall from the sky.

Person Who’s Overly Enthusiastic

Person Who’s Overly Enthusiastic has been waiting for this snowstorm all year. Forget sitting inside with a nice book and a steaming mug of hot chocolate, it’s time for this person to revel in the phenomenon of nature.

Person Who’s Overly Enthusiastic built a whole family of snowmen and snowwomen complete with hats, scarves, gloves, cute button eyes, backstories and personalities. Add that to their snow fort where they’ve been stockpiling snowballs, and you’re bound to be assaulted with more snow fun than you thought imaginable.

This person also thinks the yellow snow joke is still really funny. They’ve been searching all around for a patch of yellow snow to point out to you so you can both laugh about it for hours.

Person From A Warmer Climate

Person From A Warmer Climate started wearing a full body parka in October and things have escalated quickly since then. She was really excited the first time it snowed, talking endlessly about how great new seasons are and taking lots of pictures with the tiny snowman she built, but now she’s over it.

You’ve heard a thousand times that she’s used to temperatures in at least the 60s throughout December and keep getting angsty Snapchats from her wearing every sweater she owns at once. Person From A Warmer Climate also recently bought every North Face item she could find, including boots and gloves intended for explorers in the Arctic Circle.

You have to feel some pity for this girl, but you also can’t handle the idea of her weather conversations lasting through the end of February. Make a mental note to remind her about this when she complains about the heat next summer.

Person From A Colder Climate

Almost worse than Person From A Warmer Climate is that guy you know from Colorado. He’s covered his room with pictures of slopes and often whines that there aren’t any good ski resorts close enough.

Every time a snowflake falls, Person From A Colder Climate insists on telling you about the time it snowed for six days straight and the snow drifts were taller than his house, but he still had to go to school and walk uphill both ways with holes in his socks. The similarities between his fabulous stories and old people’s tales of “back in their day” are chilling.

It doesn’t matter how cold it gets or how far the windchill drops, Person From A Colder Climate will be able to top it. He doesn’t want anyone in the state to live with delusions that they live in a winter climate because this is his paradise and he can effectively make you feel guilty for being cold.

Girl Posting Endlessly On Social Media

Girl Posting Endlessly On Social Media definitely checked the weather forecast and she wants all of her family, friends, followers, neighbors, people she sat beside once in class and frenemies to know exactly what’s happening in the upcoming days. She feels it’s her job to personally inform everyone about the climate, no matter how misinformed she is.

She hardly understands all the weather terminology but she’s already taken 10 screenshots of the weather app on her phone and posted them for everyone to see. She also felt it was her personal responsibility to petition her school to cancel classes because the administrators always check her status updates before making final decisions.

Tie all this in with her seemingly endless statuses about how she can’t handle the cold or her misunderstandings about global warming, and removing Girl Posting Endlessly On Social Media will seem more confused than Person From A Warmer Climate.

Guy In Denial

There have been warnings everywhere you look about the potential of frostbite, but Guy In Denial must have missed them because he’s still wearing shorts.

He probably doesn’t own a winter coat and thinks being cold is all mental. This guy believes if he tries hard enough and focuses on warmer weather, he can block the frigid temperatures out of his mind.

He keeps trying to initiate sand volleyball games with you and tries to convince you playing in the snow is just like standing in sand.

Enjoy his happy demeanor now because this guy never shivers and will sweat all summer.

Person Who Can’t Drive

Person Who Can’t Drive starts panicking at the site of three snowflakes. They definitely won’t be leaving the house anytime soon and have already been to the grocery store to gather everything they’ll need for the upcoming apocalypse.

If Person Who Can’t Drive does decide to venture outside, be wary of driving. They’ll skid all over the road and blare their horn through every stop sign because they probably won’t be able to stop their car. Driving in the snow for them is like cliff diving for most people, a seemingly dangerous feat only to be attempted by professionals.

They have an affinity for finding every patch of ice on the road and would be more efficient ice skating to their destination, but they’re bound to find some reason to take their car out. Probably to get more salt for the sidewalk.

Stay warm, Ohio State.

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