November rain is expected to fall in May.
With ‘80s hard rock band Guns N’ Roses as one of Rock On The Range’s headliners, theoretically, an appetite for destruction will be satiated by the time the annual Columbus music festival concludes.
This is how I imagine their set.
Steven Adler’s drumming will be what welcomes Columbus to the jungle. His smile, rooted at the corners of his mouth, will greet fans underneath his whispy, wavy golden locks of sunshine. He might not fall high in the ranks of history’s best drummers, but Adler’s sub-par talent is all that is needed to lay down the groundwork for “Paradise City” and the other 91 percent of “Appetite for Destruction.” Plus, it will be great to see him alive and well after his stints in rehab for multiple substance abuses.
Wait … Adler is not in GNR anymore? They kicked him out in 1990 for his drug problem? Oh, OK, bummer. Well, he was just the drummer, I guess.
At least bassist Duff McKagan will be there to lay down the funk in the opening of “Rocket Queen.” The blond, sexual sweetheart of the band always laid low, super mysterious in the shadows of the more prominent members, but now as a family man with a knack for entrepreneurship, McKagan is on fire. Not to mention, the journalism side of me envies his ability to score weekly columns for Playboy.com and ESPN.com in the past.
What did you say? McKagan made like a banana and split from GNR in 1997? So he’s not going to be there? Oh. Well, it is a known fact that bass is the choice instrument for those incompetent in any other type of guitar, so an orangutan could easily fill in.
As long as Izzy Stradlin, whose real name is Jeffrey Dean Isbell, is there to aid Axl Rose, whose real name is William Bruce Rose, Jr. in vocals, primarily on “Mr. Brownstone,” GNR will still tear it up despite Adler and McKagan’s absence. I imagine the rhythm guitarist will sport at least four different types of scarves, enough to give Steven Tyler a run for his…
Izzy isn’t going to be there either? He left the band in 1991 in an effort to get sober? He didn’t even show up to GNR’s induction ceremony into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2012? Well … good … we didn’t need him anyway.
So long as Slash (beautiful Slash), whose real name is Saul Hudson, is on stage, donning that top hat and cigarette, shredding through the opening lick of “Sweet Child O’ Mine,” GNR can continue to exist as the best hard rock band in the…
Oh my God. No. Then who is going to be there from the band’s original lineup?
Just Axl Rose? The reason why the other four members left? He replaced all of them? He had cornrows at some point?
So Guns N’ Roses might be headlining Rock On The Range this year, but Guns N’ Roses really isn’t headlining Rock On The Range this year.