This is part of a weekly series called “Pop Opinions” where The Lantern offers its take on the week’s pop culture news.
Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin split
What do Coldplay’s song “Clocks” and Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s relationship have in common? They both end in a riff (or rift. Whatever. They sound the same, so laugh).
The Oscar-winning actress and Grammy-toting frontman of Coldplay have sent out a moving announcement as they begin their new residency in Splitsville, U.S.A. In a Tuesday post on Paltrow’s life blog Goop, she confirmed the 11-year marriage, which saw the birth of their two children, 9-year-old Apple and 7-year-old Moses, had ceased.
They are getting a divorce, but, guys, it’s not the normal type of divorce we mortals experience. The post, which is titled “Conscious Uncoupling” (an adorable way to say “We are now implementing the terms of our prenup”), comes in two parts: a personal announcement written by Gwyneth and Chris and then a lengthy dissertation from Dr. Habib Sadeghi and Dr. Sherry Sami about how marriage and divorce need to be re-examined because doggone it, if those two lovebirds can’t make it work, then who the hell can?
So why is it OK that mommy and daddy don’t love each other any more?
“To put in plainly, as divorce rates indicate, human beings haven’t been able to fully adapt to our skyrocketing life expectancy. Our biology and psychology aren’t set up to be with one person for four, five, or six decades,” Sadeghi and Sami wrote on Goop.
You heard them. Gwyneth had no idea Chris was going to last this long, so it was either maim him or get a divorce. Sorry Apple and Moses — mom’s ready to date again.
Justin Bieber aspires to be an underwear model
Whether it’s being spewed out of his mouth or it’s on the center of a new Calvin Klein campaign, Justin Bieber is still famous for his junk.
After finally admitting he was detrimental to his own career in a deposition (or instrumental — Whatever. Same difference), Bieber is allowing his fans to choose his next career move.
“What if I do a Calvin Klein campaign? Comment below yes or no,” Bieber tweeted from his account, @justinbieber, Tuesday in the style of a third-grader’s proposal for courtship.
Attached was an Instagram photo of him in the designer underwear, looking down like a gypsy on the run who is taking refuge in an abandoned studio in New York City on a rainy day.
“Society just doesn’t understand me,” I imagine Bieber saying. “I am a tortured soul on the run, with only an unbuttoned button-up on my back, Calvin Klein on my package, a tattoo sleeve and the love Jesus Christ had for me when he died on the cross inked on my chest to keep me warm.”
Clearly, he’s made up his mind, but any career venture he chooses where I don’t have to hear his voice is a winner.
Kimye on the cover of ‘Vogue’
At this point, everyone knows that Kanye West and Kim Kardashian grace the cover of the April issue of “Vogue,” and anyone who isn’t opposed to this pretentious, 50 percent untalented couple landing such a coveted spot on the Bible of fashion publications obviously supports the patriarchy.
However, what few people have talked about is the Thesaurusaur that wrote the cover story.
For those not in the know, a Thesaurusaur is a writer who goes to the bar with his Thesaurus, things get a little crazy, he says things, the Thesaurus says things, and then — badda bing — an unwanted, confused story is written.
Such is the case for the author Hamish Bowles, who is either fresh out of a high school creative writing class or super hip on writing in crossword puzzle lingo.
In describing West and Kardashian’s daughter North West’s disposition at the photo shoot, Bowles uses words bigger than the baby.
“Although North has inherited her father’s furrowed, quizzical brow, the pretty 10-month-old who is the focus of all this attention seems an island of preternatural serenity in the roiling sea of frenetic activity that is la vie Kimye.”
Oh yeah…um. Yeah. Uh. Uhhh…right. Um. What?
Staten Island clown terrifies the borough
Something scarier and more disconcerting than a Long Island accent has made its way to New York City.
Some terrifying clown with evil eyebrows has been freaking out Staten Island by just standing in the dark of night, handing out balloons and terrifyingly pointing at detour signs.
He might be close to 600 miles away from Columbus, but that is way too close. I don’t care if he made a wrong turn to the Staten Island Zoo, just came from a child’s birthday party or is trying to raise helium awareness — he has a collection of knives because underneath that painted smile is a killer.