There is no greater high than the procrastination experienced when clicking on a BuzzFeed list — of that I am certain.
However, ladies and gents, this is nothing to be proud of. The site of lists with a global audience of millions is only evidence of our generation slowly morphing into an ADD, short-spanned, tweet-that-in-140-characters, I-only-have-time-to-microwave-my-meal, publish-my-face-in-a-virtual-book, can-you-send-that-to-me-in-a-text society, said my grandparents while I played Candy Crush at the dinner table.
Although Grandma Levesque has a point, my qualm with BuzzFeed is its ability to condense news, pop culture and social issues into a vacuum-sealed … oh sorry. I just realized anyone reading this is probably already bored with this mass amount of text not separated by .gifs.
OK — allow me to present the three most important reasons why BuzzFeed is the actual worst.
1. Superlatives are no longer sacred
In fact, no basic grammar rule of English is sacred on BuzzFeed. By very definition, if one deems something the “actual worst,” there should only be one thing listed, and that thing should be worse than cooling down to a fruit smoothie of kale, pig’s feet, anchovies, “The Fox” song and Justin Bieber’s attitude. So far, the closest BuzzFeed has come to discovering such an item was in its list “These 14 Comic Sans Tattoos Are The Actual Worst,” where they might have found some hideous results to drunk dares, but still couldn’t settle on which of the 14 was the actual worst.
On the same token, if you are making a list of “The 21 Most Important Leaked Celebrity Nudes,” go get a job and move out of your parents’ basement.
2. Numerals are now buzzwords
True story. I wrote for a website last summer, and a piece of advice from my editor was to add numbers to the headlines, especially when writing list posts. When I asked why, she said:
“I don’t know. Apparently America is into that s—.”
Now I’m into that s—. I am an accounting major, and there is no other place numbers turn me on more than in the headline for a BuzzFeed list. In fact, I break out into hives if I click on a BuzzFeed post and it is laid out in article format. I could be on a stranded island with not a care in a world, and I still wouldn’t have time to read more than three sentences in a row not broken up with one Emma Stone .gif and a picture of a dog in pantyhose.
On the same note, if there is not a three-words-to-one-picture ratio, in any given article, go ahead and just write the text in Swahili. I don’t understand what you are trying to convey.
3. There is now a quiz section
Until about two days ago, I had no desire to know which annoying type of person on “House Hunters” I was. In fact, I didn’t even know such an option was available to me.
“Ha ha ha,” BuzzFeed laughed in a French accent. “Au contraire.”
Not only can I learn of my hypothetical, irritating disposition if I were on “House Hunters,” I can also figure out who I was in a past life, how gross is my gross sex list and (because apparently my own body is deficient in telling me so) if I should have a snack.
What’s even worse is I spend precious time carefully considering each option, constantly reminding myself that any wrong answer will truly affect my results in determining which Disney Newsie I am.
Once my results reveal I am in fact closest in personality to Stephanie on “Full House,” I breathe a sigh of relief that I didn’t get D.J., and find that I have literally learned nothing new about myself. I literally just wasted 20 minutes of my life.
Now excuse me, I’m going to go get buzzed on “19 Cats Who Have Absolutely Had It.”