This is part of a series called “Pop Opinions” where The Lantern offers its take on the week’s pop culture news.
Jay Z has more than 99 problems
A music video for a fresh remix of Aerosmith’s “Love in an Elevator” has been leaked, featuring Jay Z laying down some sick beats and Solange Knowles belting out kickin’ vocals.
TMZ released surveillance video footage of Knowles, pop superstar Beyoncé’s sister, attacking Beyoncé’s husband, Jay Z, whose real name is Shawn Carter , in an elevator at New York City’s Standard Hotel. Queen Bey, who apparently is the ruler of the land Passivé Aggresiva, is shown in the more than 3-minute video standing idly in one corner watching the assault play out while a bodyguard attempts to break it up. TMZ also reported the bodyguard can be seen pressing the emergency stop switch at one point, assumingly to avoid making a family argument into TMZ’s top story.
Not only does TMZ not know the proper usage of an ellipsis in standard sentence structures, the celebrity gossip site also is unsure what fueled the fight.
Ultimately, because no one knows what was said or any details regarding the nature of the quarrel, Solange, a distasteful, shameless she-beast representing the hangover of Jay and Yoncé’s drunken love, is automatically at fault. Jay Z, whose famous single reiterates he has 99 problems, but a b—- is surely not one, would never say anything disparaging about a woman that would result in such aggression.
What is most fascinating about the story is its severe newsworthiness. Upon the story’s breaking, not a single upstanding news source dared missed out on the click bait that is the words “Beyoncé,” “Jay Z” and “physical assault.”
When my two brothers and I would beat up on each other, the only place the fight trended was in a phone call to my dad with the headline, “Guess what YOUR kids just did.”
Shut up, Sterling
In this week’s edition of people who need to permanently sew their foot in their mouth: Donald Sterling.
Following a failed attempt to bring disoriented racism back in fashion, the soon-to-be-former Clippers owner, who was banned from the NBA after a recording of him making defamatory comments about black people leaked, tried to redeem himself in the best way rich, old, white men know how: explain himself on “Anderson Cooper 360.”
Here are three quotes from the Monday night interview that prove we should all give Sterling another chance:
“When I listen to that tape, I don’t even know how I can say words like that … I don’t know why the girl had me say those things,” Sterling said, insinuating a “Freaky Friday” situation occurred at the time of the recording, and it was actually Lindsay Lohan who said the racist comments while inhabiting his body.
“That’s one problem I have. Jews, when they get successful, they will help their people — and some of the African-Americans, maybe I’ll get in trouble again, they don’t want to help anybody,” Sterling said, automatically relinquishing him from any consequence of speaking his opinion by demonstrating such keen self-awareness.
“He’s got AIDS … What has he done, big Magic Johnson, what has he done?” Sterling asked as listeners anxiously awaited to hear what great, non-offensive things could be said following such a statement. “He acts so holy. He made love to every girl in every city in America, and he had AIDS, and when he had those AIDS, I went to my synagogue and I prayed for him, I hope he could live and be well. I didn’t criticize him. I could have. Is he an example for children?”
Also, double brownie points to Sterling for saying he “prayed” for Johnson, which my sister and I once determined is the ultimate, most condescending way to make anyone feel like a tactless, mean-spirited, disgusting maggot after he or she teases you (“Hey you — don’t you need a license to be that ugly?” “I’ll pray for you.”).
If the NBA should create an Offensive Player of the Year award, Sterling shall be named the first recipient for fearlessly offending women, those with HIV/AIDS and blacks in under an hour.