The beautiful thing about the learning process is that it never ends.So, even though I left this fine institution of higher learning over the summer to assume a summer internship in Toledo, Ohio at The Blade, I learned something I will carry with me all the days of my life.Real men don’t Macarena.Yeah, you know the dance. A series of hand motions thrown together with a little bit of hip grinding, all set to a feisty Latin beat. Men do it. Women do it. Old people do it. Young people do it. Entire baseball parks full of people do it. National political conventions do it. Everyone does it, for crying out loud.I don’t.While covering the Toledo Mud Hens, I heard that nefarious song at least twice a night. As the techno pop beat would sound, thousands would rise to their feet and start swaying to the beat. I had a little bit different recourse. I would usually stick my head between my legs and puke between my feet. The way I see it, there is one big reason why the Macarena has become so popular, supplanting girls with tiny leather backpacks as the latest cultural phenomenon that I just don’t get.Girls can make guys do it.As we all know, guys just don’t like to dance, especially in bars, where there is so much beer around to consume. Trust me, any guy would rather sit around, suck the bottoms out of a few longnecks and talk football than spend time in a bar dancing.Girls, on the other hand, have this bizarre fascination with dancing. Ergo, if a guy wants to keep his girlfriend for very long, he had better be able to dance.Most dancing can be avoided through simple ignorance. All a guy has to do was claim that he has no idea how to do the latest dance to get out of cutting the rug.Not so with the Macarena. You see, the Macarena requires about as much coordination as blowing your nose. If you can handle that, you can probably handle the Macarena. It doesn’t take a whole hell of a lot of rhythm, either. Think about it. If Oprah Winfrey can Macarena (which she did in show I still have nightmares about), you probably can too.So now, clods like me who used to say, “Running Man? How do you do that?” are now getting pressure to do that God-awful dance. Ignorance is no longer an excuse.Well, not anymore. This is a clarion call for all real men out there to boycott the Macarena. The next time MTV plays that little Los Del Rio ditty, promptly change the channel. Do not patronize bars that play that song, go to BW-3 or the Parrot Head Cabana instead. If a girl asks you to Macarena, start talking about football or beer or jock itch or anything else but that dance.There are only two good things about this dance. First, I am confident it is a passing fad, and will soon go the way of parachute pants (remember them?), Major League Soccer and Vanilla Ice as passing fancies that capture America’s imagination for but an instant.The other good thing is that Papa Joe’s burned down before the Macarena could sully its hallowed halls. Never will that song play in Joe’s, as I am confident it will be dead by the time Joe’s reopens. The thought of Mike Vrabel doing the Macarena makes me ill.Still looking for a dance to do? Try the twist. Good enough for Chubby Checker, good enough for me.
David Fong is a graduating senior from Troy, Ohio, majoring in journalism. Once again, rumors of his graduation have been greatly exaggerated.
