Well kids, it’s been a while. Bear with me here, I’m a little rusty. To make matters worse, no one has seen Leo Festag in more than eight months. Rumor has it that he’s either become a pirate in the style of the Brothers Vred, or is living in a monastery in Tibet, snorting copious amounts of crystal meth while biting the heads off of cheap whiskey bottles, chewing the glass into microscopic shards, and miraculously escaping unharmed. Personally, I believe he is gestating, if you will, in a womb-like cocoon. In the year 2007, he will emerge stronger, faster, smarter and generally better.Ah, deciding what to write about… Topics flitter through my head like ethereal little bugs. I’m not sure what kind of bugs.I could write about how rewarding it is, despite the ever-present persecution, to not believe in God. Alternately, I could write about how rewarding it is, despite the ever-present persecution, to believe in God. To highlight my creativity, I could write the column in an innovative fake-letter-to-a-friend format. No, those bases are already covered. Anything more on the subject would be redundant.Perhaps I could write letters on a daily basis professing my insane, nonsensical right-wing zealotry, USING CAPITAL LETTERS TO EMPHASIZE MY POINT INSTEAD OF FACTS AND A SOLID ARGUMENT. No, no, someone else does that. Quite frankly, I find it rather creepy.Writing a column is much like beating a dead horse, with one notable difference. Instead of walking out into farm country with a wiffle bat looking for the corpse of Secretariat, you get a piece of paper, or sit in front of the computer, and try to string a series of words into something coherent. Usually, you’re trying to convince people to share your point of view. It has been my experience that facts don’t work, clever turns of phrase don’t work, not even offers of freaky sex with midgets works. Nothing works.A reader with a philosophical bent might ask him or herself, why this is? I figure it is because humans are by nature irrational creatures. A strong personality will get you further in an argument than the right answers. Your typical person will never change his mind, not even in the face of incontrovertible evidence. We enter any forum with preconceived notions of right and wrong, and arrange the facts to suit our needs. Hell, I know I do. It’s fun.The world is a pretty subjective place. Quick, what is a better way to measure a country’s economic health, the gross national product or the number of homeless and unemployed people? The answer depends on who you ask. I have my own opinion, and no amount of so-called “facts” will change my mind. I’m sure the same holds true for the majority of people.So, in celebration of the non-rationality of the human beast, I, John Roszkowski, do solemnly swear to stop making sense. Agh! I’m not wearing any pants! No, really, I’m not. Do you find that…sexy?The subtle manipulation of words, carefully calculated mispexxlings, all these and more will be my weapons. All of society’s conventions and ideals will be destroyed, reduced to less than ashes. Current definitions of “naughty” and “nice” have no power over one such as I. Polly Holiday is the new goddess, everyone bow down and kiss her eternal grits.
John Roszkowski is a junior sociology major from Akron.