This week, we’re going to take an irreverent look at a couple of campus Chinese restaurants and see how they compare in terms of food quality and cleanliness.

I can tell you right now, you may want to finish eating your lunch before you continue reading, unless, of course, you’re eating Chinese. The two restaurants in question are The Great Wall and No. 1.

The Great Wall puts the bland in “This-is-so-frickin’-bland-I-wish-I-was-reviewing-Cap’n-Crunch.”

The Great Wall seats 40 people at capacity, though I doubt overcrowding will ever be a problem. While this restaurant is not handicap accessible, physically challenged people should try to think of this as a blessing, and not a blatant violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act. This restaurant is located at 1990 North High St. beside the Pita Pit and is above Used Kids Records.

First, a little about the less-than-charming décor: The place was a little dingy. By this, I mean that the floor was dirty and the tables were sticky. Ceiling tiles were missing and only one of their ceiling fans could find the strength to keep on going.

From what I could see of the back of the house, it was dark and messy. While a noble effort, hanging smiley face Christmas lights and placing a TV in the main room just do not save the atmosphere.

The hot and sour soup wasn’t too bad. Served in a 20-ounce plastic foam cup, you do get a decent portion for your dollar. The soup contains red bell peppers, tofu, mushrooms, celery, and chicken. Sorry, folks, no household cleaners present in this one.

The egg roll at The Great Wall is vegetarian and contains celery, cabbage, mediocrity, and grease. I’d like to emphasize the last two. While vegetarians do tend to live healthier than omnivores like myself, no one’s going to add years to his life with these egg rolls.

The sesame chicken was awful. There were so many problems with it, I’m having trouble getting started. Well, here goes.

First of all, the rice in this dish is dry and unappetizing. Second, the dish was served lukewarm and somewhat mushy. The dish seems to contain about 99 percent filler and 1 percent chicken. The sauce was so bland and tasteless, that for the rest of my life, no matter where I eat, I’ll be able to give thanks that I’m not being served the Great Wall’s sesame chicken.

In general, take your appetite elsewhere. There are far too many reputable Chinese restaurants in Columbus to waste your time and money here.

All right folks, no more Mr. Nice Guy. It’s time to review No. 1 Chinese. Located at 2036 North High St. near BW3, this restaurant was so dirty that I’m having trouble expressing my true feelings without getting sued for libel.

Let’s take this one step at a time and see how it goes. This restaurant is handicap accessible; if you consider their steep incline a handicap ramp. Take my advice and either have a friend help you out or, better yet, eat someplace else.

The atmosphere inside is corporate and utilitarian. There are about 16 booths and can seat about 64 guests at one time. The floor was fairly dirty and what I could see of the kitchen reminded me of something out of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. It was dark with flames leaping skyward while cooks ran back and forth between the stoves.

The food at No. 1 Chinese tastes pretty good despite my lingering fears about its cleanliness after a visit to the bathroom. The hot and sour soup was served steaming hot and contains the right amount of mushrooms, pork, bamboo shoots, rice noodles and tofu.

The egg roll was big, crispy, and filling. Its ingredients were celery, cabbage, grease, and pork. The egg rolls here are pre-made and sit in a fridge before you order them.

The sesame chicken at No. 1 Chinese is actually quite good. The sauce is very sweet and the chicken is served hot and fairly crispy. While the fried rice that comes with it is somewhat dry, it still complements the dish well. Unless you’ve been power-training at Chinese buffets, there’s enough food in one order to feed at least two people.

After dining at these restaurants, I contacted Liane Egle, the director of communications at the Columbus Health Department. She rounded up some of the latest health information on these two restaurants, and while none of them had particularly bad scores, by the time you read this column, the Health Department should have conducted a couple of surprise inspections. I’ll keep you updated.

Hank Mylander is a junior from Westerville majoring in Information Systems. Feel free to send all questions and comments to [email protected].