Jason: Dave, I’m sleepy.

Dave: The quarter’s end can certainly contribute to one’s lack of energy. That seems to be especially a problem for seniors, potheads and Lantern staffers.

Jason: Too true, Dave, too true. I personally feel like my energy needs are not being fulfilled. It’s a crisis.

Dave: Then again, I experience a similar crisis in seventh grade. I just didn’t wanna read “The Outsiders.” Although Rob Lowe was quite the stud in the cinematic version.

Jason: Stay golden, Ponyboy.

Dave: The true crisis will hit this summer though. Gas prices are expected to climb to $14 per gallon.

Jason: At least that will afford me a few more hours of napping.

Dave: Of napping? Or being “nappy?” I find paying $22 for a gallon of gas quite troublesome or “nappy” as I used to say in the hood.

Jason: I find it troublesome and “nappy” as well, sir. There’s no question about that. Perhaps if we weren’t such disgusting, skanky, evil, slothful, fat, stupid, ugly wasteful pigs, we’d find ourselves in a better energy situation. Not you and me personally, of course. But everyone else.

Dave: Alaska.

Jason: Our great neighbor to the north?

Dave: Yes, where we have a great many oils. But this oil is not to be used as a massage product, but instead, oil for gas. To heat our homes, drive our cars and pillage our villages.

Jason: As much as I want to come out in favor of pillaging our villages, I’m thinking the blame may lie in a slightly different place. Perhaps, Hawaii.

Dave: Five-oh, baby. Hawaii, well, what can I say about that country? It seems to always be warm there.

Jason: And do you know the reason for that? They’re taking all of our energy. Those Hawaiian thugs with their leis, their flowery shirts and their “Aloha’s.” What kind of place says good-bye and hello in the same way, anyway?

Dave: Most of the women at various hot-spots around town must be Hawaiian then. I go up to them, say hello and they go good-bye. It is such a shame. But it all comes back to energy; I just don’t have much left.

Jason: Being rejected by women all over town can take a lot out of a man. There’s certainly no question about that. But certainly that can’t be everyone’s excuse. Unless there’s some sort of mass societal rejection going on that I’m not aware of. But, if we’re going to blame other regions … I suggest we look no further than California. Land of power suckers such as aspiring actresses, wide-eyed tourists and Gray Davis.

Dave: They will never have another governor like Ronnie. For those of you who don’t know, Gray Davis is currently the governor of California. And unlike the LL Cool J groove, he likely won’t be “Goin’ Back to Cali” as governor after rolling blackouts have terrorized the state. And Ronnie, of course, is President Reagan, our greatest yet.

Jason: One thing I’ll give you about the Gipper. He was a hella-nice guy.

Dave: Especially to those air traffic controllers. Union yes? No, Ronnie said, “union no.”

Jason: I’m going to rescue you before your references get too obscure for the more simple in our audience, Dave. After all, when you are read by more than 500 million readers weekly, a few of them may not be quite the history buffs you and I are.

Dave: Some of them don’t even know that a tomato is a fruit and not a vegetable.

Jason: When looking at 500 million people though…

Dave: 500 million? I tend to disagree…

Jason: OK, OK, I may have gotten carried…

Dave: 30,000 copies of the Lantern are printed everyday. And we’ll say everyone shows a friend. That’s 60,000. Then these people have families, correct?

Jason: I see where you are going with this, Dave. Average family size is, roughly, six people. So multiply 60,000 by six…I’m not a mathematics major, but I think that’s 360,000 people. And those 360,000 people all live in towns of some sort. Let’s say they show 20 of their closest neighbors, civil servants, gas station attendees, medical professionals and fellow churchgoers. That adds up to 7.2 million readers.

Dave: And if each of those people shows 150 of their enemies copies of “Conversation with Jason & Dave” to showcase how stupid Cocks hats and rioting are…

Jason: That equals 1.18 billion readers every week. With that kind of audience, we just tell people exactly how they should live, and we can solve the world’s energy crisis all on our own. Any suggestions, Dave?

Dave: So, we need to raise student energy levels? I’m thinking two things here.

Jason: Two things? Oooh…don’t get too complicated on me.

Dave: I’ll try not to. Either we feed students more tomatoes or with the recent rain storms, the recent mud and the ever-present attractive women, we encourage students to attend mud wrestling events all over campus.

Jason: And like the recent “Take Back the Night” rally, there will be no men allowed with the exception of myself and you, Dave.

Dave: For official purposes of course, someone needs to keep law and order.

Jason: I don’t know about you, but the spectacle of women’s mud wrestling is enough to solve my energy crisis. And I don’t even need to worry about paying $14 a gallon. You’re a genius, Dave.

Dave: That’s Mr. O’Neil to you, Mann.

Jason: If that is your real name.

Lantern wire editor Dave O’Neil, who can be reached at [email protected], was enthralled with Mallory Keaton. Lantern arts editor Jason Mann, who can be reached at [email protected], favored Kelly Kapowski. Both agree that Samantha Micelli took the proverbial cake.