Dear Harlan,
Six months ago, my boyfriend broke up with me. He said his feelings changed and things weren’t going well in his life. I was so shocked. This was unexpected. I was speechless. The only thing I could say was, “Well, I hope things work out for you. Have a nice life.” I never intended to have contact with him again.
A few days ago, he calls me out of the blue saying he missed me and wanted to try again. He said he never stopped thinking about me. For the second time, he left me speechless. I didn’t expect I’d hear from him again. I was so caught up in the moment that I unwisely told him I still had feelings for him. I didn’t until he called me.
I’m not sure it would work this time. There’s still the fear of him leaving again, and I’m very hesitant to even be friends. I think I deserve a better explanation as to what didn’t work before. I’ve mentioned it, but he only told me to take it easy and not worry about things not working out. Harlan, I’m confused. Please help me!
Deserving of a Second Chance
Dear Deserving,
The password for him to gain entry back into your life isn’t “Take it easy. Don’t worry.” That one expired when he broke your heart the first time. The new password consists of a detailed explanation of why he broke up with you, what happened while you were broken, and why this time around will be different. He’s had six months to think about it. If he can’t tell you why it’s right, it’s all wrong.
Dear Harlan,
I have been dating this girl for about two years now and we are both going to go to the same college next fall. Our relationship has been through every problem imaginable, but we always end up closer than we were before. My concern is that we will end up drifting apart in college. We share the same interests in almost everything. We even have the same ideals when it comes to having a family and raising children. But we have different ideas about having fun in college. I know it is a lack of faith on my part to doubt her loyalty, but I can’t help it. Is it bad on my part to change my views regarding certain aspects of college (i.e. she thinks that clubbing is great fun while I think dancing is boring) for the sake of our relationship? Should I change my ways to suit her ways or should I stay the same and if things don’t work out just assume it was never meant to be?
Worried
Dear Worried,
To say that dancing is boring is to say that “Trading Spaces” is boring.
I think there’s much more to your dancing distaste, but that’s not important. What’s far more important is that you’ve already started to drift apart by filling your head with all these reasons why things won’t work out. It’s been two years. She knows you and still wants to date you. So, really, the only thing to change is the worrying and self-doubt. If you spend every day worrying about tomorrow, all you will do is waste away a lot of special moments. And really, today is the moment that matters most.
Write Harlan via e-mail at [email protected] or online at www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the column. Copyright Help Me, Harlan!
