Every time I would pass by Waterbeds N Stuff, I couldn’t help but laugh. What college student has a waterbed? I laughed more imagining the stereotypical trashy man shopping for a waterbed in hopes that it would cure his lonely sex life as well as mid-life crisis. I also asked myself, ‘Why they would include “stuff” in the title?’ Then I heard a nasty rumor. It couldn’t be true, could it? After four years and one quarter at Ohio State, I finally stepped inside the Waterbeds N Stuff campus branch. Now I’ll be laughing for completely different reasons.
I used to laugh about the poor business decision of running a waterbed business near campus. While attending OSU, I have lived in four different places. There’s no way in hell I would want to transport a waterbed to each residency. That is considering I could even afford a brand new splash pad and would want to care for it.
My biggest source of amusement when passing Waterbeds N Stuff, however, used to originate from the trashy stereotypes I associated with waterbed owners. This label resulted from the extreme examples of the only two waterbeds owners I have known.
The male waterbed owner I know was nicknamed after a tropical fruit and owns a pet cockatiel. The room where the waterbed can be found smells worse than Bernie’s Distillery. Like Bernie’s, after leaving you will feel the need to change clothes because of the permanent stench from years of smoke. Unlike Bernie’s, after Jan. 31, smoking will still be permitted in the bedroom. Ornamenting any level surface in the bedroom are an average of 50 Dr. Pepper cans – half of which are being used as ashtrays.
The female waterbed owner I know is a high school dropout who is now a waitress at Bob Evans. Her waterbed sat directly beneath the basement bedroom window in her parents’ house. This window provided easy entrance to overage men when she was in high school. Did they love the waterbed or did they love her? See, my reasons for associating waterbeds with trashy people are well founded.
My last basis for laughing when I passed Waterbeds N Stuff had entirely to do with “stuff.” What the hell is that suppose to mean? “Stuff” just sounds too informal. They could have at least chosen “accessories.” Even so, how many waterbed accessories could there really be that would justify placing it in the title? Besides astronaut pillows and NASCAR sheets, what other gimmicks would satisfy the trashy clientele? The more I thought about it, the more the rumor I heard made sense. Still, it was too ridiculous to be true, right?
After four years of ignorance about the “stuff” in Waterbeds N Stuff and the surfacing of a nasty rumor, I decided to investigate for myself. I couldn’t go on living without knowing. It was time to walk in there and find out what they mean by “stuff.” I mean, they probably just meant replaceable bladders and pumps for the waterbeds. Maybe they even had pillows, sheets and alarm clocks. College students need to get up on time for class, right?
Upon entering, I became disoriented. I could have swore I walked into Puff N Stuff (and we all know how much we need another head shop in the university area). I was greeted by bongs in all shapes, sizes and colors (no, I did not mean water pipes), home detox kits, candles, black light posters, incense, knives, miracle breast cremes, male enhancers, and even dildos! Where were the waterbeds? I honestly didn’t see any but I was probably too distracted by trying to peer into the section guarded by the beaded curtain. I was shocked by the absence of anything waterbed related. To be fair, you can probably order a waterbed and I did see a few futons but it was obvious what items paid the rent. If anything positive came from my visit (besides learning where I can go to become enhanced), I did learn how a waterbed store could stay in business in the university area. That nasty rumor was true.
I have only passed by Waterbeds N Stuff once since my visit to learn the truth about a rumor. Like old times, I laughed but for different reasons. My waterbed owner stereotypes were accurate and bongs masqueraded as “water pipes,” male enhancers and dildos will always be funny.
Bret Liebendorfer is a senior in journalism and open to debates about the sleaziness of waterbeds and the inherent hilarity surrounding male enhancers. He can be reached for comment at [email protected].
