Sometimes you read something so stupid you can only shake your head and laugh. I was lucky enough to find myself in such a situation on Sunday.

While perusing the headlines on Espn.com, I came across a story about Minnesota Vikings running back Onterrio Smith. Smith was stopped in an airport and found to be in possession of an item called “The Original Whizzinator,” a device that comes with a fake penis and bladder and supposedly can help beat a drug test.

Yes, you read it right.

Smith, who is one positive drug test away from a year-long suspension in the NFL, said it wasn’t his and that the device belonged to his cousin. Also seized from his bag were five vials of dried urine, which airport officials originally mistook for cocaine. It certainly appears that Smith is going to great lengths to avoid being penalized again by the NFL.

However, he’s ignoring the most obvious and simple method to avoid suspension: Stop smoking weed. Especially since he was kicked out of the University of Tennessee for the same problem.

On a campus where you would be hard pressed to find someone who doesn’t come into contact with marijuana, the penalties for possession are relatively small. The state of Ohio will fine you $100 if you get caught with less than 100 grams of weed, while underage alcohol possession means probation and community service. The real world, my friends, is vastly different.

Any job you get where you get paid a good sum of money will require you to take drug tests. Even Burger King does drug tests. They may be scheduled drug tests, but testing is a fact of life. Someone like Smith, who made $300,000 last year, is out of his mind if he is going to risk that large a sum of money on getting high.

In fact, even if he made only $30,000 a year, he’d be out of his mind if he risked that, too.

My dad had to fire an employee every year at his old job because of repeatedly failed drug tests. Losing your job over getting high is possibly the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of.

This is similar to the situation that Kellen Winslow of the Browns has put himself in. Winslow wrecked his motorcycle and could possibly have to forfeit millions of dollars from a signing bonus since he’s likely out for the season. You think he’s not kicking himself right now?

If I risked my job and the money that comes with it, I wouldn’t consider drinking or smoking. If I were making an NFL salary, I’d never buy a motorcycle. Come to think of it, I’d never buy one anyway, but that’s not the point. The point is, whenever it comes time for you to get a job and begin working for a living, you’re going to be subjected to drug testing.

Imagine how stupid you’ll feel if you have to go home and tell your spouse that you have to sell the house because you failed a drug test and got fired. It’s just not worth it once you have a job.

Now, I’m sure that this has put the stoner community into a rage. I’m sure you’re all thinking, “What if alcohol was illegal? You’d still drink, you hypocrite.” That, however, is completely untrue.

Anyone who risks their livelihood and financial independence because of substance use is plain dumb. On top of that, alcohol won’t get you fired, unless you abuse it. Alcohol is also taxed by the government, meaning that it profits off of its sales. You can’t say the same about weed. Sorry, but those are the facts of life, guys. Deal with it.

Matt Baxendell is a junior in civil engineeering. He can be reached for comment at [email protected].