There is no easy way to say this. In fact I’ve spent the better part of the year avoiding this absurd phenomenon. But I simply can’t stand still any more and continue to let this atrocity ruin my pop culture-obsessed life. Action must be taken!
How do I even say this without opening the floodgates of awkward college girls, prepubescent teens and boys still hoping to get laid who are sure to flood my inbox?
Simply put, there is no way to sugarcoat it. I hate “Twilight.”
There. It’s been said, and it feels really, really good. I hate everything about the series and the film, to the point of a murderous rage.
Now I know what you Twi-hard fans are thinking. “You just don’t understand,” you say in your red apple adorned T-shirts and hoodies.
Well I know you’re right. I don’t understand how a downright cheesy (albeit addicting) series has plagued everything that I have to see. Each day I’m subjected to posters and crappy merchandise at every store I frequent – constant references to the palest/ugliest man I’ve seen in my life, way too many cover stories from Entertainment Weekly, and worst of all I can’t even go into a bookstore without some copycat display of vampire chronicles all up in my face!
So I finally gave in. I decided to become a follower and rent the movie. Now, I know what you’re saying again:
“Gerrick, how dare you compare the film to the book.” Well, for all the little make-believe Bella’s and Edward’s of the world, I’m going to.
First, I thought the movie was utter crap. And not the “so bad it’s good” crappy, more the “so bad I want to stab myself in the eyes” crappy. But, then again, I did watch it during a movie marathon and the first selection was “The Happening,” and I was drinking heavily.
What I have the hardest time understanding is this hyper-sexualization of an otherwise perfectly creepy/dangerous character. Have you not been taught to fear and dread vampires? I mean, they do suck your blood. Yet, somehow I’m supposed to find this guy with the foster brothers and sisters who are certainly banging, hot? Um, I think I’ll pass.
But as I continued to watch, the film got – dare I say it – better. It was the story of my life. I mean every one of us was the misfit in high school who dreamed and lusted over the perfect, popular and mysterious boy with the perfectly coiffed hair and Express peacoat that he wore every day; who drove around in a new Volvo and was always there when you needed him – even in your bedroom at night, saving you from certain rape. Riiiight.
Not only did I clearly not understand Edward but I didn’t get Bella. I mean Bella was a stone’s throw away from being a vampire herself with her social ineptness, extraordinarily pale skin (even if she was from Arizona) and matching dark locks that, in fact, blew in the wind in one scene that I’m pretty sure gave Edward an orgasm.
Bella is so “hot” that all the guys at school want her, and the chicks are jealous. Umm, not so much. Don’t get me wrong, I love Kristen Stewart and I thought she was fabulous in “Adventureland,” but she absolutely made me cringe with her terrible acting – but not as much as the makeup job on Robert Pattinson.
And wait, I thought vampires were supposed to be killed in the sunlight. So why pray tell does the sun turn him into a glistening stand-in for a Dolce and Gabbana ad? God, the horror!
So what did my little experience with “Twilight” teach me? Hmm lets see, vampires are sexy, so much so that when a guy drops a killer line on a girl such as, “I’ve killed someone before,” she doesn’t care because she is that infatuated with him. No matter that he nearly got you killed a couple of times.
I tried to love it. But I just can’t go there. I’m not a 14-year-old girl and I’m not a delusional pervert who goes for someone because they think I have the freshest blood on the block.
As much as I want it all to die, I know that it won’t. I guess I’ll have to suck it up until Harry Potter comes out and shows everyone who’s the real franchise boss.
Gerrick Kennedy can be reached at [email protected].
