Listening to football press conferences is usually mind-numbingly pointless. Everyone in the room knows exactly what the coach is going to say before he opens his mouth, regardless of the question.

It is, however, interesting to point out obvious trends when listening to someone who is fluent in Footballese, like counting the number of times a coach says “football.”

Reporter: “What prompted your decision to go for it on fourth-and-37 from your own 2 late in the game, despite having a five-point lead?”


Coach: “Well, they’re a good football team.”


Reporter: “Yes, but why did you opt not to punt?”


Coach: “I thought it was a well-played football game. Two good football teams playing good football.”


Reporter [exasperated]: “Thanks for your time, coach.”


Coach: “Football.”

Notice that the coach not only used the word “football” five times in three responses, but also avoided truly answering any of the reporter’s questions.

Coaches also have a habit of drastically over-hyping their opponents:

Coach: “They have a great team. Their coaching staff does an exceptional job and they have a fine program. We’ll definitely be tested this week.”


Reporter: “Coach, they haven’t won a game in four years.”


Coach: “But they always play hard. They never quit.”


Reporter: “They actually forfeited their last game.”


Coach: “I bet they will beat us by at least two touchdowns.”

The media do little to resurrect the situation with statements like this:


Reporter: “Coach, your last win was the 300th of your career, clinched a conference title, secured your berth in the championship and solidified your quarterback’s chances of winning MVP. What did that win mean to your football team?”

Much like politics, the sole purpose of speaking Footballese is to say as little as humanly possible. Some players and coaches go through their entire career without saying a single word of import. Another strategy that assures success is to give remarks that are 93 miles beyond obvious, like this:


Reporter: “What are the keys to victory for the next game?”


Coach: “We have to score points, play good defense and be sound on special teams.”

Really? I would have never guessed. Some of the most obvious statements come during halftime interviews when the sideline reporter talks to the coach before entering the locker room.


Reporter: “Coach, your team is down 48-0. What is your plan for the second half?”


Coach: “We are going to have to make changes.”

I do not understand why the press continues to ask coaches questions. I’m convinced most coaches couldn’t clearly answer what they ate for breakfast that day, let alone give detailed responses to questions about their team.

Let’s find out:


Reporter: “Coach, what did you eat for breakfast this morning?”


Coach: “Eggs over hard, two pieces of toast with blackberry jam, a glass of orange juice, and sausage — links, not patties.”

Well, I guess I don’t know everything.