This continues an occasional series of stories written by Ohio State students, faculty and staff, describing an important day in their lives.

April 26, 2004, started off like any other Monday. Spring had just sprung and students were eager to leave school to enjoy the beautiful day. I, on the other hand, was only able to appreciate the weather by looking outside my windows at home.

Irresponsibility had left me grounded for the past week. I had no access to the Internet or my cell phone, and was not allowed to leave my house once I got home from school. I was desperate for social interaction, so when my mother ran errands, I escaped to the one place I could somewhat justify, the library.

I was chatting away on AOL instant messenger when my whole world dramatically turned upside down. An acquaintance popped up on the screen.

“Lauren, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, why?”

“Didn’t you hear Derek Sidle killed himself?”

My heart dropped into my stomach. I had to puke. I felt numb. I had to remind myself to breathe. I ran out of the building.

I drove straight to Jamie Hoke’s house. I will never forget walking into her living room and seeing the almost lifeless bodies that were my best friends. Their faces were laden with blood-shot eyes and empty expressions. I sat for what seemed like hours waiting for someone, anyone, to say something.

My thoughts spun uncontrollably. One of my best friends had killed himself. Someone I saw and talked to almost every single day was gone. The first few hours seemed never-ending as we kept asking the inconceivable question of how, and the unexplainable question of why?

After arriving home that night, I entered the first stage of loss, denial. I walked around acting as if nothing had happened. It was not until I was by myself in my room that I cried for the first time. I collapsed on my floor, overcome with sadness. My life had been changed forever.

One of Derek’s best friends and baseball teammate, Jesse Shroyer, stills remembers the day vividly.

“I didn’t believe it at first. But once I saw everyone start crying I knew it was true. My heart broke into a million pieces.” Shroyer said that if he could sum up the entire day in one word it would be “unimaginable.”

My mother, Beth Bils, also remembers it with complete clarity. “I was in complete shock. You were so sad, so hurt, I just felt so terrible for everyone.”

It is without question that the day Derek died was the worst of my life. It seemed all-consuming, like a horrific nightmare I could not awake from.

Although last month was the sixth anniversary of his death, the day I lost one of my best friends will always be just a memory away.