College is the first time I got to make up my own rules — do what I want, date how I want, live where I want. One of the most tempting choices for a lifelong romantic like myself was to move in with my significant other, and it turned out brilliantly. After six months of living together, we are stronger than ever. Getting here wasn’t easy, though.
The intersection of a romantic and roommate relationship presents challenges that neither situation presents alone — not harder to overcome, but different.
As a former resident adviser, I told my residents all the time that you don’t have to like your roommates; just live with them. That is clearly no longer the case with a significant other. Luckily, if you’ve come far enough to consider moving in together, you and your partner are probably pretty compatible. But there will be differences — in your cleaning habits, how you stock the fridge, what you want to watch on TV and a million other things.
What would just be sources of mild friction with a regular roommate highlight a key difference when it’s with your partner. Although platonic roommates have rooms of their own linked by a communal no man’s land, you and your partner will live in a truly shared space, where every room belongs to both of you completely.
The best way I’ve found to mitigate this bind is through open and honest conversation. And I mean a lot of it. Discussions between my girlfriend and me started months before signing a lease and continue to this day. These proceedings will look different for everyone.
The important thing to remember is that the results matter. While we might have been happy to leave well enough alone in past disagreements, my girlfriend and I now have to advocate for ourselves constantly and find a compromise. This might seem like basic relationship advice, but it becomes crucial once you move in together.
And these conversations, when done right, are extremely beneficial to your relationship. To this day, one of our most intimate dates was the first grocery trip my girlfriend and I took together.
Now that we’ve tackled the emotional end, there’s plenty of more pragmatic advice I can give, although none of it is one size fits all.
Despite sharing a bed, my girlfriend and I chose to get a two-bedroom apartment, and it was one of the best decisions we made. After converting the second bedroom into an office, we now have separate spaces dedicated to studying, sleeping and leisure. My partner’s late-night study sessions won’t keep me up, and my movie marathons won’t interrupt her while she does homework. It also means we have two closets, eliminating potential conflict about storage.
Before moving in, make finances extremely explicit. Not just bills, but groceries, gas and nights out. Who pays for what, when and how? This can be a sensitive topic, but you’re doing your loved one no favors by avoiding the awkward.
And it needn’t be a 50-50 split. My girlfriend’s parents support her financially, while I work for every cent I spend, meaning we are at very different levels of financial stability. It’s something we have accepted without shame. Bear in mind, while finances have to be explicit, your relationship should never be transactional.
Like finances, lay out your chore expectations early. If your partner currently spends a lot of time at your place, you might think you practically live together already, but they don’t have to sweep your body hair off the bathroom floor. It’s best to do the chores you’re most picky about, because then they’ll always be done right. Regardless, clean up your own messes and do your own laundry.
Finally, there is perhaps the hardest conversation you will have to have before moving in with a significant other, but it is one of the most important: What happens if you break up? It’s a possibility that can’t be ignored, and if you don’t think your relationship can handle that acknowledgment, it’s probably too soon to consider moving in together. In case of a breakup, we know who would move out, where they would go and who owns what.
Signing a joint lease means signing a contract that you’ll be staying together for another year or more, which could put a lot of pressure on the relationship. My solution was simple: I didn’t. The lease is in my girlfriend’s name, and I Venmo her my share of rent (I plead the fifth on the viability of this arrangement in the landlord’s eyes). It might seem like a risky strategy, and it is. I could be kicked out with no recourse if things go south.
The idea is to have faith in your significant other as a person, not just a partner. If you don’t trust them completely to treat you with fairness and compassion, even in the case of a falling out, you aren’t ready to live together.
And that’s OK. Relationships develop at different rates. Most college students are a pain to live with, and it doesn’t bode poorly for their potential to find love. Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do for a budding romance is decide not to take the next step.
While the logistics are important, the most crucial consideration when thinking about moving in together is whether you’re ready. That’s the hardest part to determine, but once you do, the rest of the decisions aren’t tedious or daunting; they’re exhilarating. Every discussion I have with Natalie about whose turn it is to do the dishes is an affirmation that we are strong enough to be here. Every grocery run is an “I love you.”
