Dakota Johnson as Cassandra Webb in “Madame Web.” Credit: Beth Dubber | Columbia Pictures (via TNS)
The average movie ticket price is about $10. Getting punched in the face repeatedly is typically free. Not only is that a better value, but it’s undeniably more enjoyable than watching “Madame Web.”
Based on a Marvel comic in which a woman gains the ability to see through time and takes on the responsibility of supervising three young Spider-Women, “Madame Web” stars Dakota Johnson (“Fifty Shades of Grey”) as the titular character, with an ensemble of co-stars including Sydney Sweeney (“Euphoria”) as Spider-Woman Julia Carpenter.
Johnson is 50 shades of awful in the role, and Sweeney did potentially irreversible damage to her reputation by making the baffling decision to star in the film. Surely no amount of money would ever be enough to hide the shame these two actresses must feel after taking part in this absolute disasterclass of a film.
Aside from the stars’ poor judgment, their agents failed miserably by letting them join the project on principle; in fact, these industry professionals should have done everything in their power to make sure it never saw the light of a film projector.
“Madame Web” is a catastrophe at every possible level of its production. The script feels like it was written in crayon on a napkin. Characters essentially just recite the plot and rattle off their feelings while simultaneously spewing a cacophony of cliches that make recently disappointing Marvel projects like “Thor: Love and Thunder” (2022) and “Morbius” (2022) feel like high art in retrospect.
Lines are delivered with consistent monotony, and it’s not unfair to wonder if every scene was shot in one take and then edited together by someone wearing a blindfold and earplugs. Of course, the actors can’t be entirely blamed for the flat delivery; their will to remain in their current career path surely waned with every second they were on set.
The film’s writers even manage to mangle the most iconic line in Spider-Man history, as they have one character concisely say, “When you take on the responsibility, great power will come.”
A majority of the audio mixing is atrocious, with the music, sound effects and dialogue frequently coming in at different volumes; in truth, this was sometimes merciful, as it grew harder to make out whatever garbage characters were blabbering about.
The cinematography is absolutely nauseating, with an extraneous number of zooms and a bizarre insistence on putting out-of-focus objects in the foreground of shots. There’s also a sizable Pepsi ad thrown in at the film’s beginning, which may have actually been a genius marketing ploy devised by competing soda companies to ensure no one drinks Pepsi again due to the negative associations formed in audiences’ brains after viewing this tragedy of a movie.
One of the narrative’s prominent flaws is filmmakers’ decision to represent Madame Web’s clairvoyance by showing numerous scenes twice, forcing audiences to relive the nightmares they were just forced to watch.
And if superheroes’ built-in allure was what brought viewers to the theater, fear not. Every brief shot of costumed characters battling villains — you know, the quintessential aspect of a superhero story — was already revealed in the trailer. The film’s remainder is a brain vomit of poor set design and plot barely related to the main story.
It is somewhat ironic that “Madame Web” was released on Valentine’s Day, seeing as there has never been a film for which it’s more clear no one involved poured an ounce of love into its making. A point in favor of “Madame Web” is that if someone was trying to break up with their partner but didn’t know how to do it, all it would take is one movie date and the job would be done before any credits rolled.
While it’s totally fair to want to walk out of “Madame Web” — and that’s probably the smart choice — the story does have a weird Stockholm syndrome quality about it. There’s something masochistically freeing and honorable about sitting through the entire runtime of quite possibly the worst movie ever made. And it leaves watchers with a new appreciation for every other film they’ve seen in their lifetime.
When “Madame Web” finally relinquishes audiences from its cruel grasp, filmgoers will undoubtedly greet the outside world with a newfound appreciation for what’s around them, blessed with the knowledge that one of the worst viewing experiences of their lives is at their backs.
Rating: 0.5/5
