Kristofer Hivju, left, and Dwayne Johnson in “Red One.” Credit: Frank Masi/Prime via TNS
The Grinch and Ebenezer Scrooge can go on vacation early — “Red One” has already left holiday cheer dead in a ditch.
There’s never been a bigger example of the modern-day holiday season’s materialism than “Red One,” Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s latest film that inexplicably received a $250 million budget. It’s unclear exactly where any of these funds went, given how horrid the final product is — though it’s clear they didn’t go toward hiring good writers.
“Red One” is an abomination of a Christmas movie in which Santa (J.K. Simmons) is kidnapped and his head of security (Johnson) must join forces with a hacker and deadbeat father, Jack (Chris Evans), to rescue Santa in time to save Christmas.
They predictably succeed at saving Christmas in the world of the film, but “Red One” sucks away any holiday joy from the already near-empty theaters it’s playing in, threatening to destroy real-life Christmas forever.
“Red One” feels like ChatGPT’s attempt at creating a “Marvel-ized” Christmas movie, complete with Captain America (Evans) himself. From superhero-esque costume designs to boring one-dimensional villains, “Red One” even rips off one of the most distinct Marvel superpowers.
For some inexplicable reason, Johnson’s character, as well as Santa, have the ability to shrink themselves and expand small objects like in 2015’s “Ant-Man.” Lucy Liu, who plays a government agent in charge of controlling mythological creatures, randomly morphs into a flagrant imitation of Scarlett Johansson’s Black Widow in the film’s third act.
“Red One” undoubtedly features Evans’ most insufferable role, no small feat considering he’s starred in several other overly produced disasters like Netflix’s “Gray Man.”
His character seems incapable of doing much more than exclaiming poorly delivered shock at the events transpiring around him, with “What?” being just about every other word he speaks. At least he doesn’t have to embarrass himself alone though.
Throughout the film, he’s surrounded by other massively talented actors and actresses, such as Liu, Simmons and Nick Kroll, all who phone it in for a check and pale in comparison to their more iconic roles.
There’s a reason why “Red One” is releasing in November: No theater wants to waste its more lucrative holiday months showing it.
At least it’s not uncommon for children to cry on Christmas, so “Red One” isn’t likely to cause much further damage when it’s released on video around that time and watched split-screen style with Subway Surfers gameplay on TikTok — clearly its ideal intended viewing format.
Everyone who had a creative voice in the making of “Red One” deserves coal in their stocking.
Hopefully, their efforts will succeed in killing the blockbuster action-Christmas movie genre. That way, audiences can return to watching reruns of “Charlie Brown” or “The Polar Express” and rekindle the flame of Christmas cheer “Red One” tries so hard to stamp out under a sea of cash and poor decisions.
“Red One” joins movies like “Madame Web” and “Megalopolis” at the very top of the 2024 movie naughty list.
Rating: 1/5
