For much of my life the mystique that surrounds fortune cookies has eluded me. I know they are crunchy, tasty and often reveal profound thoughts no one should listen to.
However, I lost faith in fortune cookies when advice such as “In the future you will be hungry,” or “All thing’s must end” overtook the beautiful haikus, which once shed light on human existence, offering a glimpse at winning lottery numbers.
Instead, as generalized fortunes began to fill the tan wafers, frustration grew inside me. I needed fortune cookie help. I needed fortune cookie etiquette. I needed a good laugh.
Then it hit – in bed.
What had eluded me throughout my life was the realization that anything is funnier when you say “in bed” after it – especially fortune cookies. Any slogan, no matter how known or how regal can become the most asinine pun with the addition of two simple words.
How this simple joke came into existence is beyond my understanding, but to you dear jokester, thank you for making my inability to keep a conversation going after dinner much easier, while dropping hints that maybe, just maybe, there will be after dinner entertainment.
I would dare argue that adding “in bed” after any slogan will create a sexual pun that rivals any your mom joke in existence. Why is this? It is because we are all obsessed with sex. I am, you are, your little sister is and especially … your mom – in bed.
To prove this hotly debated argument of whether a “your mom” joke could take on the giant that is the “in bed” sentence addition, I have compiled several known slogans that everyone would recognize if they were to break open a fortune cookie and prepare for hilarity.
The first and possible one of the most well known slogans I would like to see in fortune cookies would be McDonald’s. “I’m lovin’ it – in bed,” is a better slogan than any simple catch phrase. Imagine Ronald McDonald, riding a merry-go-round surrounded by children saying, “Your mom, I’m lovin’ it.” Sure it would be a funny commercial. I would laugh, you would laugh, your dog would laugh, because why not, a your mom joke is a cheap shot. But, by adding “in bed” to the end of the slogan you fulfill one key ingredient of humor – mystery. “I’m lovin’ it – in bed,” could mean a million different things. It could appeal to the mother who wants her children to bring her breakfast in bed. It could refer to Ronald and his sexcapades. It doesn’t matter. The thing you should remember is that the fortune cookie spawned a phrase that will forever haunt me and hopefully will now haunt you.
Other slogans that are much funnier when you add “in bed” include Ohio States own, “Do something great.” Of course I would like to do something great and maybe I will one day. However, if OSU’s slogan was “Do something great in bed,” I would either be more enthused about going to class in the morning or I’d literally have to try and do something great in bed such as write the next great American novel.
If you don’t believe me that great things can happen in bed I believe there is at least one well known case of celebrities catching headlines for taking the “in bed” advise or better described as a “bed-in.”
In March 1969 John Lennon and Yoko Ono held a bed-in for peace. If spreading world peace from your bed isn’t great, I don’t know what is.
David J. Cross is a senior in journalism. You can reach him at [email protected] or in your mom’s bed.
