Psst … hey. I don’t want to speak too loudly, but how do you know if you’re worshiping God in the proper way? It’s a question that no one asks, but if they did I’m sure the answer would be as simple as this: God would drop you a hint.It’s pretty apparent that God sends hints all the time about which religious practices he most prefers. People, for one reason or another, pay little to no attention to these hints. The best example of this hint-dropping is when churches are destroyed by acts of God.Several weeks ago a tornado tore through the town of Montgomery near Cincinnati. Amid the wreckage of $200,000 homes (which are pretty good symbols of excess and greed) lay the remains of the Montgomery Baptist church (a symbol of humility and humbleness). A section of it had been quite literally blown to kingdom come. Now don’t you think a house of God might get just a little protection from the wrath of God? I know the Almighty isn’t supposed to play favorites, but come on.People living in the area were more rattled by the tornado than by the destruction of the church. In post-tornado interviews parishioners beamed about how they could not wait to rebuild the church and how this sort of thing only brings them closer together. Let me get this straight: God spared their lives and they have decided that the best way to thank him is to rebuild a structure that has obviously gained his disapproval? They must have still been suffering from shock.If the residents had any sense at all they would have recognized the destruction of the church for the hint that it was. Parishioners should have told the swarms of reporters that after the interviews were through they were going to take a trip to the local library, seek out a book on world religions and choose a new one because their current form of worship seems to be angering the Big Kahuna.Tornadoes are just the tip of the iceberg. Churches are constantly being damaged by earthquakes, lava flows (routinely in foreign countries, of course), lightning and fires. My personal favorite is when churches burn down due to a fire caused by a lightning strike. If you ask me (and you haven’t), if someone jams a steeple with a huge iron cross on the tip of it that high into the sky they are just begging for something awful to come along and knock it down.How clear does an all-powerful being have to be in order for some people to understand? Myth states that Jesus will one day return to earth. He probably will, but only to personally explain to the knuckleheads out there that when his dad destroys their church they should probably find a new way of expressing their devotion. Then, in all likelihood, Jesus will go back to Heaven for another two thousand years. He’ll keep repeating this process for as long as it takes until humanity finally chooses the right method of worship.Religion is tricky. After thousands of years of worshiping whatever it is that lies beyond the stars humanity still does not seem to have gotten it right. I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but I do have theories. Personally, I believe that God is actually an angry, obese woman. If true, Judgment Day will be a time of pain and suffering far beyond that of watching a Kathy Lee Gifford Christmas special.God’s gender aside, though, people shouldn’t let a minor setback such as the utter annihilation of their church through an act of God discourage them from religion. Take heed to the hints and keep trying out new religions until the lightning bolts and tornadoes stop ravaging your house of worship. Eventually everything will work out. Just have faith.
Nick Szewczyk is a senior communication major from Hightstown, N.J., who is going straight to hell and taking all of his readers with him.