In a surprising new development, The Dim Bulb has learned of the Undergraduate Student Government’s plans to shut down at the end of the first semester.
Citing the “inability to enact any worthwhile change” and the lack of students “who are even paying attention to us,” USG announced its plans for termination earlier this morning.
“We actually got the idea after our Federal government shut down earlier this month,” said Bark Greystring, chief of staff. “After that happened and still nobody seemed to really care, we just said, ‘Screw it, lets lock the doors up, too.’”
In light of the proposed shutdown, all regularly scheduled meetings and programs sponsored by USG that the average student already doesn’t attend will cease to continue.
Taylor Stepp, USG president, weighed in on the fact that many students won’t even notice the shutdown.
“If you ask a random student if they know who I am, their best guess will be that I might be the kid who runs around dressed as Brutus the Buckeye,” Stepp commented. “I could show up to the next committee meeting in just my underwear and a Michigan hat on and it would barely make the third page of The Lantern. So we decided to cut our losses and shut everything down.”
While many of the executive members and senior staff seem relieved to abandon their duties, other USG affiliates are not yet ready to throw in the towel.
Luther Jerkins, a first-year in political science and current USG intern, spoke on his apprehension for what seems to be an inconsequential desistance.
“I’m beginning a petition to not let USG shut down,” Jerkins said. “If we shut down, we won’t be able to continue our very small and very insignificant endeavors that we do every day for the student body!”
Many students and faculty have vocalized their opinions when asked how they felt about the announcement that USG will no longer continue to function.
“Meh, if our national government can shut down over night, why can’t they?” said Connie Berkman, a third-year in statistics.
“Shoot! I was planning on running for USG president this year now that the national government’s shut down,” said Governor John Kasich, who added that since he lost his first attempt at USG president back when he attended OSU, it’s haunted him ever since.
“Who is Taylor Stepp and why is he talking about me?” asked football mascot Brutus the Buckeye.
At the time of the announcement, sources confirmed that although USG is planning to shut down, they have no intention of shutting up.
This is part of a series called “The Dim Bulb.” It is a weekly dose of satire, intended to poke fun at the university and affiliates. The contents of these articles are not factual and are not meant to be taken seriously.
