Opinion: Justin Bieber's roast was a little cold, Jay Z's venture is fool's gold

This is part of a weekly series called “Pop Opinions” where The Lantern offers its take on the week’s pop culture news.

Honoree Justin Bieber speaks onstage at The Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber at Sony Pictures Studios on March 14 in Los Angeles. Credit: Courtesy of Comedy Central

Musician Justin Bieber, who was the honoree at The Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber at Sony Pictures Studios on March 14 in Los Angeles. Credit: Courtesy of Comedy Central

Honoree Justin Bieber speaks onstage at The Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber at Sony Pictures Studios on March 14 in Los Angeles. Credit: Courtesy of Comedy Central

Bieber’s “roast” could have had more burns

Justin Bieber had the last laugh at his own roast. The “Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber” first aired Monday night and I’m not sure if much else has aired on the channel since.

The Biebz was joined on stage by roastmaster Kevin Hart and roasters included Snoop Dogg, Shaquille O’Neal and Martha Stewart.

Snoop Dogg was Snoop Dogg. By that I mean that less than 30 seconds into his roasting, he had to remind us that he was already fully toasted himself.

Shaq looked adorable in his undersized chair. His jokes weren’t bad, but did Shaq really hunch over a little desk with a little pencil and notepad crafting them himself? His big dumb grin tells me no.

Then there was Martha Stewart. Martha donned a sweater that I swear was bought off a Quacker Factory special on QVC. It was a nice juxtaposition to her telling Bieber how to make a shank in prison and that he should call her if he wants “a player in the boardroom and a freak in the bedroom.”

But my favorite of the night was the man of the hour himself. Once everyone, including Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy, took jabs at each other and Bieber, it was his turn.

“What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million?” he asked. “A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two hours.”

There were lesbian jokes for two hours. And prison jokes. And jokes about Bieber’s long-lost pet monkey. It was repetitive and it got to the point where some people desperately needed a cane to yank them off the stage.

Hannibal Buress, another one of the roasters, said he hated Bieber’s music and that he was only roasting him because it was good press for himself.

It works both ways though. The roast brought Bieber back to relevance, and yes, he’ll probably wind up as a has-been. But right now, he’s the one laughing.

“Tidal” will likely crash

On Monday, hip-hop mogul Jay Z launched his newest venture: Tidal, a high-priced music streaming service for the 1 percent. Co-owners of the company include Kanye West, Daft Punk, Nicki Minaj, Arcade Fire, Jack White and Madonna — The Plastics of the music business.

Tidal promises to provide high-quality music, music videos and “expert editorial from experienced music journalists” — i.e., Jay Z won’t be endorsing Pop Opinions.

No set numbers on artist compensation have been released, but Jay promised Billboard magazine that his streaming service will give more back to the artists than Spotify does. He said it doesn’t even matter if that affects his bottom line.

When was the last time Jay Z ever had to be concerned of his bottom line? He’s married to a cash cow.

The streaming service costs $9.99 per month for premium service and $19.99 per month for “HiFi” quality — which I’m supposing is the fancy-schmancy level where I could hear every crack of Justin Bieber’s pre-pubescent voice.

But I don’t even pay 20 bucks for headphones. If I had Beats headphones and a sugar daddy, I would consider this service.

Until then, “Boyfriend” through crappy CVS headphones is all there is for me.